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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11

MILFORD, CT—Citing a wide range of deals customers will “never forget,” fast food chain Subway announced an exciting new promotion this week to honor and commemorate Subtember 11. “With a number of terrific discounts on special sandwiches as well as our classic footlongs, you’ll always remember where you were on Subtember 11,” Subway president Fred DeLuca told reporters, referring to Subway’s special promotion in which, for a limited time only, visitors of the restaurant’s tens of thousands of franchise locations will be able to “fly on in” and pick up two footlong subs of their choice for only $9.11. “From the Structural Steel Melt on Tower 7–Grain bread to the Twin Chowers cold cut combo with Ground Zero–Carb vinaigrette on a Let’s Whole Wheat Roll, we’ve got something for everybody this Subtember 11.” DeLuca added that the special promotion will be “first responders, first served.”

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