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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11

MILFORD, CT—Citing a wide range of deals customers will “never forget,” fast food chain Subway announced an exciting new promotion this week to honor and commemorate Subtember 11. “With a number of terrific discounts on special sandwiches as well as our classic footlongs, you’ll always remember where you were on Subtember 11,” Subway president Fred DeLuca told reporters, referring to Subway’s special promotion in which, for a limited time only, visitors of the restaurant’s tens of thousands of franchise locations will be able to “fly on in” and pick up two footlong subs of their choice for only $9.11. “From the Structural Steel Melt on Tower 7–Grain bread to the Twin Chowers cold cut combo with Ground Zero–Carb vinaigrette on a Let’s Whole Wheat Roll, we’ve got something for everybody this Subtember 11.” DeLuca added that the special promotion will be “first responders, first served.”

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