adBlockCheck

New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough

COLLEGE STATION, TX–Agricultural scientists around the world are hailing what is being called "the biggest breakthrough in biotechnology since the breakthrough it fixes."

A Texas A&M chemist works on the breakthrough.

On Monday, Texas A&M chemists unveiled Zovirex-10, a revolutionary new fungicide capable of halting the spread of a fungus unexpectedly spawned by a July 2000 breakthrough, an advanced soy hybrid that grows 10 times better in soil over-saturated with chemical herbicides.

The fungus, which, if left unchecked, would likely have destroyed 98 percent of Earth's soy crop and wrought untold environmental havoc, made the latest scientific advance possible.

"It's an extraordinary development," said Dr. Nathan Oberst, project coordinator and the man responsible for both breakthroughs. "At the time, we thought the soy hybrid was a fantastic thing. When the resultant fungus started wiping out other soybean plants at an alarming rate, we thought we might have blundered, but now it's clear that this potential global disaster was just the precondition we needed for a major leap forward."

Oberst dismissed charges that the development of new biotechnological advances to counteract unexpected side effects of prior biotechnological advances constitutes a dangerous Moebius loop.

"It may seem dangerous to tinker with nature without knowing the long-term effects," he said. "But without the threat of environmental disaster caused by the short-sighted unbalancing of natural forces, how are we to bring about positive change in the world around us?"

Oberst downplayed claims that if Zovirex-10 were to seep into the groundwater, it would kill off 70 percent of fish and aquatic plant life, poison 35 percent of the human population, and raise the temperature of the sea by seven degrees.

"If this is true, it shouldn't be thought of as a disaster," he said. "Modern science has a long, proven track record of correcting the mistakes it inadvertently unleashes on the world. I'm confident that if the worst ever came to pass, science would find some way to fix it. That's what science does."

According to Oberst, flawed and dangerous technological advances have helped broaden understanding in all fields of science.

"Just think about the hydrogen bomb," Oberst said. "Not only was it a tremendous breakthrough in physics, it broadened our knowledge of everything from radiation containment to bomb-shelter construction to hair loss. Science has been coming up with breakthrough after breakthrough to fix the problems that the H-bomb has created. Without the H-bomb, we would know significantly less about the potential problems associated with the H-bomb."

"People shouldn't see man-made global disasters as a bad thing," Oberst added. "They should see them as scientific breakthroughs waiting to happen."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close