adBlockCheck

New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Technological Breakthrough To Fix Problems Of Previous Breakthrough

COLLEGE STATION, TX–Agricultural scientists around the world are hailing what is being called "the biggest breakthrough in biotechnology since the breakthrough it fixes."

A Texas A&M chemist works on the breakthrough.

On Monday, Texas A&M chemists unveiled Zovirex-10, a revolutionary new fungicide capable of halting the spread of a fungus unexpectedly spawned by a July 2000 breakthrough, an advanced soy hybrid that grows 10 times better in soil over-saturated with chemical herbicides.

The fungus, which, if left unchecked, would likely have destroyed 98 percent of Earth's soy crop and wrought untold environmental havoc, made the latest scientific advance possible.

"It's an extraordinary development," said Dr. Nathan Oberst, project coordinator and the man responsible for both breakthroughs. "At the time, we thought the soy hybrid was a fantastic thing. When the resultant fungus started wiping out other soybean plants at an alarming rate, we thought we might have blundered, but now it's clear that this potential global disaster was just the precondition we needed for a major leap forward."

Oberst dismissed charges that the development of new biotechnological advances to counteract unexpected side effects of prior biotechnological advances constitutes a dangerous Moebius loop.

"It may seem dangerous to tinker with nature without knowing the long-term effects," he said. "But without the threat of environmental disaster caused by the short-sighted unbalancing of natural forces, how are we to bring about positive change in the world around us?"

Oberst downplayed claims that if Zovirex-10 were to seep into the groundwater, it would kill off 70 percent of fish and aquatic plant life, poison 35 percent of the human population, and raise the temperature of the sea by seven degrees.

"If this is true, it shouldn't be thought of as a disaster," he said. "Modern science has a long, proven track record of correcting the mistakes it inadvertently unleashes on the world. I'm confident that if the worst ever came to pass, science would find some way to fix it. That's what science does."

According to Oberst, flawed and dangerous technological advances have helped broaden understanding in all fields of science.

"Just think about the hydrogen bomb," Oberst said. "Not only was it a tremendous breakthrough in physics, it broadened our knowledge of everything from radiation containment to bomb-shelter construction to hair loss. Science has been coming up with breakthrough after breakthrough to fix the problems that the H-bomb has created. Without the H-bomb, we would know significantly less about the potential problems associated with the H-bomb."

"People shouldn't see man-made global disasters as a bad thing," Oberst added. "They should see them as scientific breakthroughs waiting to happen."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close