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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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New Therapist Obsessed With Old Therapist

STONE HARBOR, NJ—Dr. Peter Crosley, the psychotherapist seen by real-estate broker Rachel Falbaum since March, has become increasingly focused on the thoughts and techniques of Dr. Seth Hirschfeld, Falbaum's therapist from the summer of 2001 until this spring. "Going back to your sister, whom you seem to believe is more successful: How did your therapist feel about her?" said Crosley to Falbaum during a session Monday. "Would you describe your feelings towards his discussions of her as resentment? Because it's quite revealing if this guy never asked about your sister. I certainly wonder how that might make me feel." For her part, Falbaum said that her sessions with Crosley have helped her to view her former therapist in a different light, one which will "definitely" enable her to move on to new therapy.

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