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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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New Triple-X Dinosaur Park Opens In Nevada

ELKO, NV—Crowds braved 95-degree heat and throngs of protestors to attend the opening of the Greater Nevada XXX Dinosaur Park Monday, a new adults-only attraction that bills itself as "The Place Where The Extinct Sink The Pink." "You've seen their bones—now see them boning! Triceratops and Bottoms!" according to a television ad for the park currently running after 10 p.m. throughout Nevada and Southern California. Proprietors, who have dubbed the park "Salacious In The Cretaceous," say that visitors "will never think of dinosaurs as cold-blooded again." Paleontologists are calling the park sensationalist and exploitative, but add that anything that gets people interested in science can't be all bad.

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