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New Triple-X Dinosaur Park Opens In Nevada

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

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New Triple-X Dinosaur Park Opens In Nevada

ELKO, NV—Crowds braved 95-degree heat and throngs of protestors to attend the opening of the Greater Nevada XXX Dinosaur Park Monday, a new adults-only attraction that bills itself as "The Place Where The Extinct Sink The Pink." "You've seen their bones—now see them boning! Triceratops and Bottoms!" according to a television ad for the park currently running after 10 p.m. throughout Nevada and Southern California. Proprietors, who have dubbed the park "Salacious In The Cretaceous," say that visitors "will never think of dinosaurs as cold-blooded again." Paleontologists are calling the park sensationalist and exploitative, but add that anything that gets people interested in science can't be all bad.

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