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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe

LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive preview to fans gathered in Los Angeles this week for the E3 gaming conference, Microsoft officials reportedly unveiled an ultra-realistic new game for their upcoming Xbox One console that requires players to press the B button repeatedly in order to make their characters breathe. “Through the careful and constant pressing of different buttons, players are able to control not only breathing, but a steady heart rate, digestion, and other autonomic body functions as they help their avatars maintain homeostasis and complete their missions,” Microsoft spokesman Michael Drew said of the single-player game, adding that players will use one analog stick to move the left leg forward and the other analog stick to move the right leg forward. “To pump your avatar’s heart, for example, all you have to do is rapidly press the left bumper button, making sure to increase heart rate during periods of increased exercise. And then, of course, a second controller is needed for unholstering and firing your weapon, although players will still have to make sure, using the first controller, that their character is still breathing and his heart continues beating during this period.” Sources at E3 say early feedback for the game has been mixed due to the fact that gameplay begins in the middle of a shootout and you only get one life.

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