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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe

LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive preview to fans gathered in Los Angeles this week for the E3 gaming conference, Microsoft officials reportedly unveiled an ultra-realistic new game for their upcoming Xbox One console that requires players to press the B button repeatedly in order to make their characters breathe. “Through the careful and constant pressing of different buttons, players are able to control not only breathing, but a steady heart rate, digestion, and other autonomic body functions as they help their avatars maintain homeostasis and complete their missions,” Microsoft spokesman Michael Drew said of the single-player game, adding that players will use one analog stick to move the left leg forward and the other analog stick to move the right leg forward. “To pump your avatar’s heart, for example, all you have to do is rapidly press the left bumper button, making sure to increase heart rate during periods of increased exercise. And then, of course, a second controller is needed for unholstering and firing your weapon, although players will still have to make sure, using the first controller, that their character is still breathing and his heart continues beating during this period.” Sources at E3 say early feedback for the game has been mixed due to the fact that gameplay begins in the middle of a shootout and you only get one life.

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