New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth

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Vol 41 Issue 26

Fellow Cheerleaders Rally Cheer Of Support For Recently Raped Teammate

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The Bloomington East Hawks varsity cheerleaders organized a pep rally after school Monday, in honor of a squad member who was date-raped last weekend. "R-A... P-E-D, nothing's gonna stop Su-zie. Yay, Suzie!" the squad cheered before the 1,500 students who filled the gymnasium to celebrate the victim's return to school. Rapist Fritz Hent, an East Hawks linebacker, will sit out the first game of the season as punishment.

Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc

NEW YORK—According to TV viewer Maurice Degroot, every phase of rock band The Who's career was traced by a single CBS commercial break Tuesday. "The retrospective opened with Hummer's 'Happy Jack,' one of the songs from The Who's '60s mod period,"Degroot said. "Then a Saab commercial played 'I'm Free' from their ambitious rock-opera phase, followed by a promo for CSI featuring 'Who Are You,' one of their last great hits." In light of the popular commercials, the surviving Who members are planning a reunion tour to perform 30-second snippets from all their famous songs.

Fifth Baby Barely Showered

ALCOVA, WY—Attendees at the weekend shower for Peggy Walgraeve's fifth child agreed that the event paled when compared to the showers thrown for Walgraeve's four other children. "For [first child] Ashley, they had bacon wraps and mini quiches and wine coolers, but this time it was beer and Fritos, and everyone was out the door by 2 o'clock," said Lilly Gussman, one of three guests. Walgraeve's husband Dan watched TV in the living room throughout the celebration, though he was reportedly seen glancing at the partygoers on occasion.

Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty

GAINESVILLE, FL—Local resident Stephen Nicolai, 34, said Monday that the harsh realities of the natural world are what inspire him to commit spontaneous acts of brutal sadism. "Nature, red in tooth and claw, destroys without prejudice or regard for feelings, and since I am at one with nature, so too shall I," said Nicolai as he flattened a tree frog with a ball-peen hammer. "When I witness the awesome force of a tsunami, or the shift of a tectonic plate, or even a kitten mercilessly taunting its prey before eating it, I know that I am in harmony with nature." Nicolai said he has found peace through his ritual animal torture and vicious braining of random passersby.

I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!

Item! Summer movie season is here, so forward my mail to my local theater, because I'm going to be losing myself in air-conditioned Hollywood magic for the next three months—especially since there's nothing on TV but reruns and second-string reality series. So, grab some popcorn, pull down a center seat, and dim the lights, because my annual guide to the hottest summer movie tickets is here!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Late Night

New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth

NEW YORK—Describing it as a "discerning and literary companion" to their flagship entertainment-news magazine, Us Weekly editor-in-chief Janice Min announced on Tuesday the creation of Us Quarterly, a scholarly, four-times-yearly journal dedicated to sizzling-hot celebrity gossip.

The quarterly will feature in-depth essays, investigative pieces, and expert commentary on Hollywood's hottest megastars.

"Due to the demands of weekly publication, [Us Weekly] was only able to scratch the surface," said Min, who is helming the offshoot publication. "The quarterly is a dream come true for the more serious-minded star-watcher, who enjoys pictorials showcasing Mary-Kate Olsen's club-hopping wardrobe, but craves a more critical examination of her hottest boots."

Min estimated that the first issue of Us Quarterly, slated to debut in August, will be 300 pages long. It will feature a thoughtful analysis of Lindsay Lohan's troubles on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded, a Michael Cunningham short story inspired by the TV season's nastiest celebrity feuds, and a 20-page treatise from Oxford literary critic John Bayley mapping Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's romantic, midnight Malibu beach stroll.

The quarterly will be a radical departure from the magazine's largely visual format.

"The new Us editorial direction moves away from splashy paparazzi photos with brief captions toward food-for-thought essays, in-depth investigative pieces, and transcribed roundtable discussions," said Adweek media reporter Donna Boorstin. "They'll cover everything from Nikki Hilton's Vegas weekend blowup to Sandra Bullock's surprise summer wedding with bad-boy Jesse James."

While small pointillist illustrations will accompany the pieces, the majority of the publication will be textual.

Said Boorstin: "For regular Us readers who may have trouble picturing this new format, try to think of how, in a romance paperback, the words build into continuous paragraphs, and you have to read them all in order to know what is happening. That's what Us Quarterly will look like."

Noted scholar Albert C. Wittingham joined Paris Hilton at an <I>Us Quarterly</I> panel discussion held at a Middlebury Writers' Seminar Sunday to discuss celebrity panty lines.

Us Quarterly will expand some of Us Weekly's most popular features, such as the back-page "Fashion Police," but Min will assign some new cops to the beat.

"We've reworked the section into a 'fashion roundtable,'" Min said. "In the new format, our stalwart regulars—fashion experts, professional gossips, and drag queens—will match wits with some of our nation's most prominent intellectual commentators."

"The results are quite lively," Min added.

In the first quarterly "Fashion Police," an unflattering dress worn by Brittany Murphy united panel members, earning catcalls ranging from Fagatha Christie's "Sin City had more color than this frumpy frock" to Lewis Lapham's "This is the jejune raiment of imperial excess." However, celebrity stylist Margo Fischer and writer Joyce Carol Oates were divided over Kirsten Dunst's gown at a recent charity benefit for autism. Fischer said "this nightmare in distressed pink muslin would make me withdraw," but Oates defended Dunst, describing the starlet as "a lovely Miss Haversham on her wedding day, the groom's absence as yet unremarked, her heart untouched by the impotent rage of love lost."

Us Quarterly will be available on newsstands Aug. 15th for the cover price of $12.95.

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