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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

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New Wonder Drug Enables Users To Get Higher Than Hell

WILMINGTON, DE–On Monday, Sloan Laboratories, a subsidiary of the Wilmington-based Merton Pharmaceuticals, unveiled Dexiflux-V, a new miracle drug its creators claim will enable users to get "high as a fucking kite."

Sloan Laboratories researcher Dr. Mark Kimmel examines a sample of Dexiflux-V, a new drug expected to help countless Americans get unbelievably high. Inset: Boulder, CO, bead vendor Zach Petersen, a Dexiflux-V test subject who reported "extraordinary results" using the drug.

The breakthrough drug, Sloan Laboratories officials said, gives hope to millions of Americans who can no longer get high as a result of years of sustained, resistance-building narcotics use. Dexiflux-V, which has already won FDA approval, will be sold over-the-counter in pill form and is expected to be available nationwide as early as July 1.

"For years, a large segment of the U.S. population has been anxiously awaiting a bold new breakthrough in self-administered mood-enhancing substances," chief developer Dr. Stanley Kupferman said. "With Dexiflux-V, that long-anticipated day has finally arrived. In clinical trials, we administered Dexiflux-V to over 1,600 people, and, in virtually every case, the test subject reported being stoned out of his or her freaking gourd."

Kupferman said Dexiflux-V, which will cost just $12 for a 50-count bottle of 100-mg tablets, has a wide range of applications, from getting hippies royally baked before a Dave Matthews Band concert to helping businessmen deal with the stress of a major merger, to helping homeless persons numb the pain of a life of poverty and despair.

"This drug has an impressive number of uses and, hence, can meet the needs of an array of consumers," Kupferman said. "So, while its target market is the stoner, Dexiflux-V should also prove popular with speed freaks, gas-huffers and hardcore baseheads."

Test subjects have responded positively to the much-heralded miracle drug.

"I would definitely categorize this drug as effective," said Zach Petersen, 23, a Boulder, CO, bead vendor who took part in Sloan Laboratories' clinical tests. "The highs I was able to achieve using Dexiflux-V far surpassed those I previously got using other drugs. In all my years of drug usage, I can honestly say that I have never been so fucking high."

Fellow test subject Pete Renfro, a 26-year-old Austin, TX, convenience-store worker, agreed. "Dexiflux-V is some very good shit," he said. "The results I got from it were way positive, and I would not hesitate to recommend it to friends, particularly Chad."

As excited as drug users are about Dexiflux-V, one group is even more excited: Merton Pharmaceuticals stockholders. The day the drug was unveiled, Merton Pharmaceuticals stock rose from 23 1/4 to 44.

"I haven't seen such a commotion over a new product since crack," said Merton CEO and principal shareholder Gordon Bianchi, whose shares in the company have nearly doubled in value to $4.2 billion. "This truly is a wonder drug."

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