New Wonder Drug Enables Users To Get Higher Than Hell

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Vol 33 Issue 19

Noxious Minions Of Satan Offer Free Installation Through July

CHICAGO—In an exciting new promotion, the hideous mewling lackeys of the Dark Prince Lucifer are offering free installation of TCI cable to any household responding by July 31. "Act now and get great basic-cable channels like MTV, Nickelodeon and CNN with no installation fee," sniveled TCI customer-service representative Wyrmwort, faithful servant of the Lord Of Lies. "Plus, TCI offers you more great premium channels than ever, from HBO to Cinemax to the biggest blockbuster movies on pay-per-view." Wyrmwort then befouled his body with goat's blood and hailed The Great Deceiver.

Tractor-Pull Fans Begin To Question Whether This Is What Life Is Really About

CLAPP, TN—After attending their fourth such event in as many weeks, several rural Tennesseeans have begun to openly question whether tractor pulls and monster-truck rallies are what life is really all about. "It just seems like life could offer more," said Arlo Taylor, the group's leader. "Books, theater, even simply appreciating the trees and flowers." Said fellow tractor-pull fan Wilbur Spann: "I understand the high-school theater company is performing Steven Sondheim's Into The Woods on Friday. Perhaps that would be a refreshing and enriching change of pace from our frequent pilgrimages to see Robosaurus."

Fugitive Movie Heroine Cuts Own Hair Perfectly

SANTA MONICA, CA—A desperate flight from FBI agents resulted in a knockout new look Tuesday, as fugitive movie heroine Nicole Woodring, crouching in a stranger's backyard tool shed in the dark, cut her long hair into a flattering, salon-quality pixie cut using a pair of rusty hedge shears. "I am extremely impressed," professional hairstylist Blaine Mattson said of the new look. "She looks absolutely gorgeous." The on-the-lam Woodring, who has blonde hair in FBI photos, also managed to dye her hair a stunning chestnut brown using a gallon of Thompson's Deck & Patio Stain found in the shed.

Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

NOVI, MI—Bally Total Fitness patron Fred Mahorn, 42, took a post-shower stroll through the health club's locker room Monday, casually socializing with fellow members for approximately 15 minutes in a state of total undress. "Hey, nice to see you," Mahorn said to numerous men he happened to pass in the locker room, his flaccid penis and talcum-powdered scrotum in plain view. Most patrons either nodded or pretended they thought he was addressing someone else. The naked Mahorn went on to sit in the most visible spot in the locker room and apply anti-fungal cream to his feet before eventually putting on a towel.

India Opens New Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear-Testing Facility

PORBANDAR, INDIA—Ushering in a new era of nuclear strength in the global theater, India dedicated the $1.6 billion Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear Testing Facility at the site of the famed Indian's birthplace Monday. "Gandhi surely would have been proud," said facility director Rajiv Pindar, setting off a ceremonial 25-megaton blast in honor of Gandhi. Visitors to the facility will be welcomed by an enormous bronze statue of Gandhi, who holds aloft an atom in one hand and a missile in the other.

Prize-Fighting In My Day

Do not even begin to describe to me the recent pugilistic matches, because I wish not to hear of them. The fist-fighters of to-day are like babies wheeled about in their perambulators. The great fighters of my youth—Sullivan, Corbett, Kilrain, Kid Ithaca—fought without boxing-gloves and hurled blows that would slay an ox. As an intrepid boy-scribe for the old Mercantile-Onion, I covered my first heavy-weight fisticuff demonstration in 1885, and it remains the most exciting fight I have ever witnessed. The contenders were Alfred "The Strong-Man" Talmadge and Patrick "The Gentle-man Who Hits Other Gentle-men" Reid, two leviathans who drank pain and dined on agony for break-fast. They were vying for a purse of $50 in gold and a fine Guernsey milking-cow.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Healthy Eating

New Wonder Drug Enables Users To Get Higher Than Hell

WILMINGTON, DE–On Monday, Sloan Laboratories, a subsidiary of the Wilmington-based Merton Pharmaceuticals, unveiled Dexiflux-V, a new miracle drug its creators claim will enable users to get "high as a fucking kite."

Sloan Laboratories researcher Dr. Mark Kimmel examines a sample of Dexiflux-V, a new drug expected to help countless Americans get unbelievably high. Inset: Boulder, CO, bead vendor Zach Petersen, a Dexiflux-V test subject who reported "extraordinary results" using the drug.

The breakthrough drug, Sloan Laboratories officials said, gives hope to millions of Americans who can no longer get high as a result of years of sustained, resistance-building narcotics use. Dexiflux-V, which has already won FDA approval, will be sold over-the-counter in pill form and is expected to be available nationwide as early as July 1.

"For years, a large segment of the U.S. population has been anxiously awaiting a bold new breakthrough in self-administered mood-enhancing substances," chief developer Dr. Stanley Kupferman said. "With Dexiflux-V, that long-anticipated day has finally arrived. In clinical trials, we administered Dexiflux-V to over 1,600 people, and, in virtually every case, the test subject reported being stoned out of his or her freaking gourd."

Kupferman said Dexiflux-V, which will cost just $12 for a 50-count bottle of 100-mg tablets, has a wide range of applications, from getting hippies royally baked before a Dave Matthews Band concert to helping businessmen deal with the stress of a major merger, to helping homeless persons numb the pain of a life of poverty and despair.

"This drug has an impressive number of uses and, hence, can meet the needs of an array of consumers," Kupferman said. "So, while its target market is the stoner, Dexiflux-V should also prove popular with speed freaks, gas-huffers and hardcore baseheads."

Test subjects have responded positively to the much-heralded miracle drug.

"I would definitely categorize this drug as effective," said Zach Petersen, 23, a Boulder, CO, bead vendor who took part in Sloan Laboratories' clinical tests. "The highs I was able to achieve using Dexiflux-V far surpassed those I previously got using other drugs. In all my years of drug usage, I can honestly say that I have never been so fucking high."

Fellow test subject Pete Renfro, a 26-year-old Austin, TX, convenience-store worker, agreed. "Dexiflux-V is some very good shit," he said. "The results I got from it were way positive, and I would not hesitate to recommend it to friends, particularly Chad."

As excited as drug users are about Dexiflux-V, one group is even more excited: Merton Pharmaceuticals stockholders. The day the drug was unveiled, Merton Pharmaceuticals stock rose from 23 1/4 to 44.

"I haven't seen such a commotion over a new product since crack," said Merton CEO and principal shareholder Gordon Bianchi, whose shares in the company have nearly doubled in value to $4.2 billion. "This truly is a wonder drug."

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