New X-Men Film Features Bryan Singer Traveling Back In Time To Molest Younger Self

Top Headlines

Recent News

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

New X-Men Film Features Bryan Singer Traveling Back In Time To Molest Younger Self

LOS ANGELES—Early reviews confirmed Thursday that X-Men: Days Of Future Past, the latest installment in the popular superhero film series, prominently features a storyline in which director Bryan Singer journeys through a portal in the space-time continuum to an earlier era, where he coerces his 16-year-old self into sexual intercourse. “Hey, I work in movies—you have any interest in Hollywood?” the director reportedly says in the film, caressing his teenage self’s shoulder in a scene preceded by a montage that includes Singer frantically searching for a coke dealer on the Lower East Side and attempting to contact older studio executives for a “wild party” later that night. “There’s going to be a little get-together in my hotel room at the Ritz later on. Tons of kids like you will be there, and a few showbiz bigwigs. Let me tell you, with a face like that, I can make big things happen for you. I really mean it.” Several reports indicated that the latter portion of the movie’s plotline focuses on Singer locked in a pulse-pounding race against time to prevent his adolescent self from filing sexual assault charges and destroying his career.