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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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New X-Men Film Features Bryan Singer Traveling Back In Time To Molest Younger Self

LOS ANGELES—Early reviews confirmed Thursday that X-Men: Days Of Future Past, the latest installment in the popular superhero film series, prominently features a storyline in which director Bryan Singer journeys through a portal in the space-time continuum to an earlier era, where he coerces his 16-year-old self into sexual intercourse. “Hey, I work in movies—you have any interest in Hollywood?” the director reportedly says in the film, caressing his teenage self’s shoulder in a scene preceded by a montage that includes Singer frantically searching for a coke dealer on the Lower East Side and attempting to contact older studio executives for a “wild party” later that night. “There’s going to be a little get-together in my hotel room at the Ritz later on. Tons of kids like you will be there, and a few showbiz bigwigs. Let me tell you, with a face like that, I can make big things happen for you. I really mean it.” Several reports indicated that the latter portion of the movie’s plotline focuses on Singer locked in a pulse-pounding race against time to prevent his adolescent self from filing sexual assault charges and destroying his career.

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