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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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New Yangtze Dam To Provide Enough Hydroelectricity To Shock 1.2 Billion Chinese Genitals

YICHANG, CHINA—Despite ongoing controversy, construction is proceeding as planned on the Three Gorges Dam, which, if all goes according to plan, will generate enough hydroelectric power to shock the genitalia of China's 1.2 billion citizens, Chinese officials said Monday.

Amid controversy, work progresses on the Three Gorges Dam.

"With the successful completion of this most ambitious engineering project, China will finally enter the modern age, forever putting to rest the doubts and misconceptions of those who see our great nation as an undeveloped and socially backwards country," said Chinese president Jiang Zemin, speaking at an official ceremony commemorating the fifth anniversary of the project, which broke ground on Feb. 22, 1994. "This dam will stand alongside the Great Wall of China as one of the true wonders of the world, and, at long last, we will be known as a progressive, industrialized nation that tortures the genitals of its populace in the most technologically advanced manner possible."

"It will indeed be a great day," he added, "when all the people of our nation can stand together and proudly get their genitalia shocked as one."

The $30 billion project will dam the Yangtze River, the third largest in the world and the cradle of Chinese civilization, flooding the entire river valley and creating a 411-mile-wide artificial lake behind the completed structure. Though the dam has come under fire from environmentalists and human-rights groups concerned about the irreparable damage it will cause China's indigenous ecosystems and genitalia, officials at the National People's Congress in Beijing maintain that the dam is necessary, not only to control the oft-raging floodwaters of the Yangtze River system, but to meet the emerging nation's ever-growing need for more genital-electrocution power.

"Nearly three-quarters of the energy currently used to torture the genitalia of China comes from the burning of coal," Chinese Premier Li Peng said in a nationally broadcast radio address all Chinese citizens were required to listen to or risk lifelong prison-camp internment. "Soot and smoke from this coal blankets China's largest cities, and lung disease from this pollution is now second only to genitalia-electrocution as our nation's leading cause of death."

Concluded Li: "Only by converting to cleaner, more modern, more efficient hydroelectric power can we solve this problem and meet our burgeoning genitalia-electrocution needs in the next century and beyond. Thank you. You may now resume your scheduled work-details. War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength."

Though some critics have argued that the project's extensive impact on the heavily populated Yangtze River Valley makes it unfeasible, Chinese officials noted that the forced relocation of the 4.3 million citizens whose homes will be flooded is proceeding ahead of schedule, with over 650,000 already relocated or shot. Responding to objections that the dam will submerge over 1,000 historical sites, the government has promised that the vast majority of these archeological treasures will be moved from harm's way by slave-labor armies of political dissidents and graduate students.

Furthermore, though the dam will cause the extinction of several local species, including the Giant River Sturgeon, Chinese leadership remains convinced that these extinctions are no cause for alarm.

"The Giant River Sturgeon is of no practical value to the People's Republic, anyway," an official statement from Beijing read. "Its genitals are so tiny, they are barely even electrocutable."

Despite the numerous criticisms, the Chinese people are steadfast in their support of the dam.

"I am proud and happy to do my duty and relocate my ancestral farm to a luxurious, modern refugee camp hundreds of miles from here," rice farmer Jiao Huang, 88, told reporters at gunpoint, flanked by an elite squadron of Red Army stormtroopers. "It is my fondest wish that I, though an old man, will live to see the day when my family and I, along with the rest of our countrymen, will be ennobled by the honor of attaching the glorious electrodes of the state to our burn-blackened genitals and together cry out with agonizing pain in celebration of this great achievement for our nation."

"Death to the hated Giant River Sturgeon, enemy of the Republic!" he added, after being prodded with a rifle butt.

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