After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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‘New Year, New Caleb,’ Announces Self-Assured Seventh-Grader On First Day Of School

SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school. “Everything you thought you knew about Caleb is wrong, because I’m a whole new Caleb this year,” Burgess reportedly said to himself, smirking as he popped the collar of his polo shirt and attempted to spike his hair as he walked through the halls of his school. “This year is all about Caleb. Look out, Whitcomb Middle School, because this is a Caleb you’ve never seen before.” At press time, several sources confirmed that Caleb had been called a “faggy little bitch” and forcefully shoved into a painted cinder-block wall.

After Birth

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