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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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New York City Marathon Winner Does Cool-Down Jog Back To Kenya

NEW YORK—In an effort to reduce soreness and prevent injury, New York City Marathon winner Geoffrey Mutai immediately followed his victory Sunday with a 7,209-mile cool-down jog from Central Park to his hometown of Mumberes, Kenya. "Got to keep the blood flowing," Mutai told reporters, jogging into the East River until his body was fully submerged. "I can’t stress how important cooling down is for slowing your pulse and easing the strain on blarghlarlarblublub." Mutai was last spotted emerging from the shores of Cape Verde and continuing his run without removing the seaweed covering his body or the squid attached to the top of his head.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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