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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New York Giants Locker Room Somber After Embarrassing Win

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere moments after their gutsy and much-needed last-minute win over the Redskins Sunday, Giants players and coaches found themselves depressed, despondent, and driven to the brink of giving up at the outcome. "There were times during tonight's game when I really didn't think we could do it," said receiver Plaxico Burress, who was rewarded for his brilliant game-saving last-minute 33-yard touchdown catch and run with a congratulatory chewing-out by Tom Coughlin in front of the entire team. "And you know what? Even though we won, I still don't think we can do it. Coach is right—we're a bunch of losers who just don't have what it takes." Coughlin said he was "disgusted and satisfied" with the team's utter lack of motivation and confidence and says he plans to have morale completely destroyed in time to miss the playoffs.

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