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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New York Giants Locker Room Somber After Embarrassing Win

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere moments after their gutsy and much-needed last-minute win over the Redskins Sunday, Giants players and coaches found themselves depressed, despondent, and driven to the brink of giving up at the outcome. "There were times during tonight's game when I really didn't think we could do it," said receiver Plaxico Burress, who was rewarded for his brilliant game-saving last-minute 33-yard touchdown catch and run with a congratulatory chewing-out by Tom Coughlin in front of the entire team. "And you know what? Even though we won, I still don't think we can do it. Coach is right—we're a bunch of losers who just don't have what it takes." Coughlin said he was "disgusted and satisfied" with the team's utter lack of motivation and confidence and says he plans to have morale completely destroyed in time to miss the playoffs.

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