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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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'New York Times' Reader Stoked After Noticing Article Penned By Favorite Reporting Duo

'Cha-Ching! It's Michael D. Shear And Jeremy W. Peters Time!'

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that he is always in the mood for a little Michael D. Shear/Jeremy W. Peters action, New York Times reader Mitchell Gleason was reportedly pumped Wednesday after noticing that an article about Barack Obama’s judicial picks for a Washington, D.C. federal court was authored by his favorite reporting duo. “Here we go, baby! Shear and Peters in effect!” Gleason told reporters, adding that he usually counts on Michael D. Shear for his judicial reportage but that instances when correspondent Jeremy Peters teams up with him are “rare treats indeed.” “The thing is, these guys balance each other out perfectly. Peters brings Shear out of his comfort zone, and Shear brings Peters down to earth. You might have a favorite—my wife’s more of a Shear person, and I’m definitely a Peters guy—but when you get these two together, boom. It’s like lightning in a bottle.” At press time, Gleason was speculating how “fucking amazing” it would be if both teamed up to write a book about the federal justice system.

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