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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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'New York Times' Reader Stoked After Noticing Article Penned By Favorite Reporting Duo

'Cha-Ching! It's Michael D. Shear And Jeremy W. Peters Time!'

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that he is always in the mood for a little Michael D. Shear/Jeremy W. Peters action, New York Times reader Mitchell Gleason was reportedly pumped Wednesday after noticing that an article about Barack Obama’s judicial picks for a Washington, D.C. federal court was authored by his favorite reporting duo. “Here we go, baby! Shear and Peters in effect!” Gleason told reporters, adding that he usually counts on Michael D. Shear for his judicial reportage but that instances when correspondent Jeremy Peters teams up with him are “rare treats indeed.” “The thing is, these guys balance each other out perfectly. Peters brings Shear out of his comfort zone, and Shear brings Peters down to earth. You might have a favorite—my wife’s more of a Shear person, and I’m definitely a Peters guy—but when you get these two together, boom. It’s like lightning in a bottle.” At press time, Gleason was speculating how “fucking amazing” it would be if both teamed up to write a book about the federal justice system.

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