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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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'New York Times' Reader Stoked After Noticing Article Penned By Favorite Reporting Duo

'Cha-Ching! It's Michael D. Shear And Jeremy W. Peters Time!'

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that he is always in the mood for a little Michael D. Shear/Jeremy W. Peters action, New York Times reader Mitchell Gleason was reportedly pumped Wednesday after noticing that an article about Barack Obama’s judicial picks for a Washington, D.C. federal court was authored by his favorite reporting duo. “Here we go, baby! Shear and Peters in effect!” Gleason told reporters, adding that he usually counts on Michael D. Shear for his judicial reportage but that instances when correspondent Jeremy Peters teams up with him are “rare treats indeed.” “The thing is, these guys balance each other out perfectly. Peters brings Shear out of his comfort zone, and Shear brings Peters down to earth. You might have a favorite—my wife’s more of a Shear person, and I’m definitely a Peters guy—but when you get these two together, boom. It’s like lightning in a bottle.” At press time, Gleason was speculating how “fucking amazing” it would be if both teamed up to write a book about the federal justice system.

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