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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List

NEW YORK—The New York Times announced Monday that it will seek a court order to have Mitch Albom's book of discussions between himself and his dying mentor, Tuesdays With Morrie, forcibly removed from the paperback non-fiction bestseller list. "We've tolerated the old dead guy's ramblings for the past 66 weeks," Times Sunday books-section editor Mel Constantine said. "But now it's simply gotta go. I want Morrie out of my list—permanently." Should the order be successful, the book's slot on the list will be replaced by a line urging readers to donate to the Fresh Air Fund.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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