New York To Install Special 'Infants Only' Dumpsters

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New York To Install Special 'Infants Only' Dumpsters

NEW YORK—As part of his ongoing campaign to revitalize New York City's public image through a citywide clean-up effort, mayor Rudolph Giuliani announced Monday the installation of special "infants only" dumpsters throughout the greater New York metropolitan area.

One of the new baby-disposal units.

It is hoped that the new dumpsters will provide a convenient, germ-free baby-dumping option for low-income single mothers, enabling them to abandon their unwanted infants in a tidier, more health-conscious manner than before.

The new, clearly labeled dumpsters are also expected to make it significantly easier for city workers to collect and sort the estimated 25,000 babies placed in New York-area trash receptacles each year.

"By providing these mothers with a safe, convenient receptacle for unwanted babies, instead of requiring them to deposit them along with garbage of other types, New York is saying, 'Yes, we care,' Giuliani told reporters at a City Hall press conference.

While the infant-dedicated dumpsters will cost an estimated $220 million to install and maintain, Giuliani is confident they will more than make up for their cost in the long run. "Babies deposited in the new dumpsters will be collected, tagged and redistributed in a far more organized manner than those left in traditional multi-use dumpsters or garbage cans," Giuliani said. "This will greatly reduce the strain on our city's already sorely overtaxed human-services and child-welfare departments, saving millions over the long haul."

The new devices will also make it easier for city sanitation workers to separate recyclable metals, paper and plastics from non-recyclables, a task that, until now, was needlessly complicated by the presence of human children among the materials to be reclaimed.

Among the new dumpsters' many impressive features, according to the mayor: a unique soundproof design which minimizes the high-volume, panicked wails of infants crying out in desperation for their parents' return, and a patented, easy-to-clean design that requires only periodic hosings to flush out accumulated waste.

Mayor Giuliani, introducing the new dumpsters.

"These dumpsters' revolutionary 'E-Z Kleen' design will greatly reduce the amount of time abandoned infants will have to lie helpless in their own urine, vomit and fecal matter," Giuliani said. "It will also reduce the risk of cockroach infestation in the open wounds the newborns will likely develop, as well as the risk of injuries caused by maggot bites and rat attacks."

Mayoral aide Edwin Steep was equally enthusiastic. "With these new receptacles, a projected 17 percent fewer abandoned babies will be blinded by rats, which tend to attack the soft, vulnerable eye sockets of human infants first," he said.

Furthermore, Steep said, a large, bright-pink smiley-face decal affixed to the inside lower lid of the dumpsters will help reduce the intense and potentially psyche-shattering abandonment trauma experienced by pre-verbal human infants whose parents leave them to die.

"Regular dumpsters are not equipped with this added smiley-face feature," Steep said.

According to Giuliani, the elimination of infants from regular city dumpsters will have an added bonus, creating more dumpster-based, no-cost housing for the city's estimated 400,000 homeless residents, many of whom rely on the heat produced by decomposing organic waste for shelter and survival during New York's often brutal winters.

"By clearing dumpster space of babies, we are opening up vast new living spaces for the urban poor," Giuliani said. "And that's something we can all feel good about."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close