New Yorker Subscriber Considering Bose Wave Radio Purchase

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Vol 34 Issue 05

Paramount Pictures Proudly Shelves Latest Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Paramount Pictures is rolling out the red carpet to shelve its latest comedy, The Munsters. "Join us in welcoming this poorly realized film to the Paramount studio archives," read a press release for the film, not coming to theaters any time soon. "Based upon the mid-'60s TV show, this $45 million bad film was intended to capitalize upon the nostalgic appeal of the series, but became bogged down in rewrites and production delays, only to end up as an unwatchable career-ender." The press release also described the casting of actor Larry Hagman in the role of Grandpa Munster as "a stupid, stupid move."

Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. "I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play," Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. "Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this." While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer's use of the wheelbarrow in last week's game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed "rightful dominion" over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer's mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found.

Russia Renamed 'Batshitzania'

MOSCOW, BATSHITZANIA–With political turmoil and economic chaos threatening to tear the nation apart, Russia's parliament voted unanimously Monday to rename the crumbling former superpower "Batshitzania." "We felt a new name was in order to suit our new identity," said acting Batshitzanian prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, standing atop a burning Kremlin. "Citizens are frantically trying to get rid of their worthless rubles, our nuclear weapons are sitting unguarded in abandoned silos, and the mentally unstable Boris Yeltsin, who is scheduled to undergo octuple-bypass surgery next week, refuses to step down. Basically, everything's going bat-shit zany over here." Other names considered for the collapsing nation include Kabloomia, Dystopskia and Hell.

Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered the exhumation of President Lyndon Johnson's corpse Tuesday in connection with possible sexual misconduct during his tenure in the White House. "Since the late President Johnson has not been forthcoming with the truth about his relationship with Miss Glass, I am left with no choice but to subpoena him posthumously," said Starr, who has accused Johnson of conducting a longtime affair with Alice Glass, the girlfriend of Texas newspaper publisher Charles Marsh. Johnson may be called to testify as early as next Monday, when exhumed president Warren Harding is expected to complete his deposition regarding an alleged 15-year extramarital affair with Carrie Phillips and subsequent attempts to bribe the Phillips family to keep the relationship a secret. Among other presidents whose corpses Starr has ordered dug up for questioning regarding sexual misconduct: John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson.

Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty, I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

The New Eunuch Is Not Working Out

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could watch the unwrapping of my presents. As usual, I was given needless rubbish and picayune baubles that serve me no purpose. I received what must have been my 659th mechanical nightingale from whomever is the Emperor of Siam now-a-days, when what I truly desired was a new shawl and a visit from the Grim Reaper. I directed Standish to cast the nightingale into the furnace and bury the rest of the unopened loot in the court-yard.
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

New Yorker Subscriber Considering Bose Wave Radio Purchase

MAMARONECK, NY–According to reports, Mamaroneck-area New Yorker reader Cal Tillinghast is strongly considering the purchase of a Bose Wave radio.

Cal Tillinghast browses the latest issue of <I>The New Yorker</I>, which contains an ad for the amazing Bose Wave radio.

The 49-year-old Tillinghast, associate curator of special exhibits for the Whitney Museum, was moved to consider purchasing a Bose Wave radio after spotting an ad for the distinctively curved piece of sound equipment on page 47 of the September issue of The New Yorker.

"I was looking for the Talk Of The Town page when an ad for a most unusual product caught my eye," Tillinghast said. "Could the compact Bose Wave radio, with its patented acoustic waveguide, really produce room-filling sound at the touch of a button? I was intrigued, to say the least."

After reading the ad, Tillinghast returned to his general browsing of the magazine, enjoying several book reviews and the Shouts & Murmurs page while sipping a glass of wine brought to him by his wife Eleanor. Before long, however, Tillinghast was overwhelmed by an urge to return to the ad.

"I was reading a wonderfully droll Henry Beard piece about cats, but all I could think about was that Bose Wave radio," said Tillinghast, pausing to remove his reading glasses. "The prospect of enjoying my favorite Mahler symphony in concert-hall-quality sound right in the comfort of my own living room was simply too enticing to ignore."

Added Tillinghast: "Not only is the Bose Wave radio small enough to fit anywhere, it's available in imperial white or graphite gray and comes complete with a credit-card-sized remote."

Tillinghast, a New Yorker subscriber for more than 20 years, has on numerous occasions learned of revolutionary new products through the magazine. Among the products he has discovered: a light-up "Starry Night" pillow that brings the Van Gogh masterpiece to life, mail-order filet mignons from Omaha Steaks, a Fujiyama 2 ceramic pen, a 14K gold turtle pin, a Hammacher Schlemmer shaving set, and a remarkable Swim At Home 8' x 15' "Endless Pool."

"I also found a book light that clips right on to whatever you're reading," added Tillinghast. "It's been quite useful."

But of all the products Tillinghast has seen advertised in The New Yorker, none has captured his imagination like the Bose Wave radio.

"Mind you, this is no normal radio–they won an award for it," said Tillinghast, referring to the Popular Science "Best Of What's New" award presented to Bose four years ago.

Tillinghast said he is "99 percent certain" he will purchase the Bose Wave radio, but is taking time to consider all factors before making a final decision.

"At $349, it is a bit pricey for just a radio," he said. "But it would certainly make a wonderful conversation piece. And Eleanor would doubtless enjoy using it to listen to All Things Considered while doing the puzzle."

Tillinghast said he feels pressure to decide soon. "If I order by the end of the month, I get free shipping, which is always nice," he said. "In reality, though, I have even less time to decide, because Eleanor and I leave for Luxor on the 26th."

"I suppose I'll think it over a few more days," Tillinghast said. "Then again, what do I have to lose? I can return it within 30 days if I'm not simply amazed by the sound."

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