After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Newborn Soothed By Familiar Sound Of Parents’ Bickering

OLYMPIA, WA—After an extended period of fussing and crying in his bassinet, 10-day-old Joshua Brundage was reportedly calmed Sunday by the familiar sounds of his parents’ raised voices, a daily occurrence that he is said to have grown accustomed to since gestating in the womb. Sources stated that around 7 p.m., the infant grew visibly relaxed in response to his mother’s and father’s distinctive verbal attacks, his stress levels clearly declining with each of his parents’ soothing, repeated interjections of “Listen to me! Listen to me!” and “It’s always my fault, isn’t it? It’s never you!” According to reports, within several minutes the incessant accusations and slamming of doors that were commonplace during Brundage’s prenatal development and have continued in the days following his birth lulled him into a deep state of peaceful contentedness. As of press time, Brundage had drifted off to sleep, reportedly pacified by his mother’s nightly refrain about when they’ll have enough money to pay the fucking credit card bill.

After Birth

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