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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Newest Bronco Brady Quinn: 'The Brody Qualls Era Has Begun'

DENVER—In the first of what is expected to be a long series of gaffes with his new team, quarterback Brady Quinn bungled a statement to Broncos coaches, players, and fans Tuesday by mistakenly declaring that the Brody Qualls era had begun in Denver. "I, Brody Qualls, am so excited to take over the Cardvern Dronkos," said Quinn, whose remarks were periodically interrupted by his teeth accidentally striking the microphone. "I'm ready to leave this team all the way. I'm not promising anything, but I will do my darnest to be the next Don Elwood, if that be the will of my lord and saboteur Jesus Price." Quinn, who also lost a shoe during the address, said that he was slightly afraid of the mascot but admitted that such a huge angry fish would really intimate the team's opponents.

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