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Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War

TEHRAN—Mere days after being named a U.S. State Department Goodwill Ambassador and Special Sports Envoy by Condoleezza  Rice, baseball Hall of Famer and consecutive-games-played record holder Cal Ripken Jr. triggered a nuclear war between Iran and United Nations forces Tuesday night. "I was just explaining to that Mr. Ahmadinejad that there was nothing like a good old game of baseball to get to know someone better, and I told him that I'd ordered an American armored battalion into the capital city to teach them how to play," Ripken told reporters from a radiological observation bay in United Nations Field Hospital And Decontamination Unit 704, where he is expected to spend the rest of his life. "Well, seems Mahmoud didn't like that too much." MLB officials have not yet announced whether the 125,000 casualties suffered in the limited nuclear exchange will be added to Ripken's lifetime statistics.

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