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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War

TEHRAN—Mere days after being named a U.S. State Department Goodwill Ambassador and Special Sports Envoy by Condoleezza  Rice, baseball Hall of Famer and consecutive-games-played record holder Cal Ripken Jr. triggered a nuclear war between Iran and United Nations forces Tuesday night. "I was just explaining to that Mr. Ahmadinejad that there was nothing like a good old game of baseball to get to know someone better, and I told him that I'd ordered an American armored battalion into the capital city to teach them how to play," Ripken told reporters from a radiological observation bay in United Nations Field Hospital And Decontamination Unit 704, where he is expected to spend the rest of his life. "Well, seems Mahmoud didn't like that too much." MLB officials have not yet announced whether the 125,000 casualties suffered in the limited nuclear exchange will be added to Ripken's lifetime statistics.

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