Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War

In This Section

Vol 43 Issue 33

Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home

Anticipating a move back home, the percentage of Mexicans sending money to family in their native country fell from 71 percent last year to 64...

Chinese Won't Dump Dollar

In the face of numerous U.S. economic woes, the Chinese government has expressed their confidence in the strength of the dollar, dispelling...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Newly Appointed Ambassador Ripken Accidentally Causes Nuclear War

TEHRAN—Mere days after being named a U.S. State Department Goodwill Ambassador and Special Sports Envoy by Condoleezza  Rice, baseball Hall of Famer and consecutive-games-played record holder Cal Ripken Jr. triggered a nuclear war between Iran and United Nations forces Tuesday night. "I was just explaining to that Mr. Ahmadinejad that there was nothing like a good old game of baseball to get to know someone better, and I told him that I'd ordered an American armored battalion into the capital city to teach them how to play," Ripken told reporters from a radiological observation bay in United Nations Field Hospital And Decontamination Unit 704, where he is expected to spend the rest of his life. "Well, seems Mahmoud didn't like that too much." MLB officials have not yet announced whether the 125,000 casualties suffered in the limited nuclear exchange will be added to Ripken's lifetime statistics.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More