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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Newly Engaged Couple Receives Incredible Outpouring Of Insincerity From Family, Friends

HARRISBURG, PA—Showered with a bounty of feigned support, forced cheer, and outright lies, local couple Mike Woodley and Christine Lyons reportedly received an incredible outpouring of insincerity from friends and family Friday following the announcement of their engagement. “Oh my god! I’m so happy for you two!!!!” wrote Lyons’ old high school friend Jennifer Mescudi, whose hollow Facebook post was but one of dozens of congratulations from people who privately doubted the solidity of the relationship, only liked either the bride or the groom, or privately informed other friends that they gave the marriage 12 months tops. “You’re so lucky to have found each other! I cannot wait to be there for the big day!!!” According to sources, Woodley’s college roommate said that being named the best man in a wedding he could not give less of a fuck about was “such an honor.”

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