adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
End Of Section
  • More News

Newly Engaged Couple Receives Incredible Outpouring Of Insincerity From Family, Friends

HARRISBURG, PA—Showered with a bounty of feigned support, forced cheer, and outright lies, local couple Mike Woodley and Christine Lyons reportedly received an incredible outpouring of insincerity from friends and family Friday following the announcement of their engagement. “Oh my god! I’m so happy for you two!!!!” wrote Lyons’ old high school friend Jennifer Mescudi, whose hollow Facebook post was but one of dozens of congratulations from people who privately doubted the solidity of the relationship, only liked either the bride or the groom, or privately informed other friends that they gave the marriage 12 months tops. “You’re so lucky to have found each other! I cannot wait to be there for the big day!!!” According to sources, Woodley’s college roommate said that being named the best man in a wedding he could not give less of a fuck about was “such an honor.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close