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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Newly Naturalized Citizens Taken Around U.S. For Orientation

WASHINGTON—Following the successful completion of their citizenship tests and their collective recitation of the Oath of Allegiance, the nation’s newly naturalized citizens were led on a quick orientation around the United States of America by an immigration services worker Wednesday to help them become more familiar with their new surroundings. “Now, over here on your right is Philadelphia, and if you follow me up over the Appalachians I’ll show you where we produce our heavy industry,” said orientation guide Paul Little, pausing a moment to point out the Rust Belt and Great Lakes before shepherding the group along to the Gateway Arch in St. Louis where they planned to grab a quick lunch before checking out the American West. “And coming right up in front of us are 500,000 square miles of prairie. A handy trick to remember is that if you ever find yourself surrounded by hundreds of miles of flat farmland, that means you’re in the center of the country, so you can just walk in any direction and you’ll eventually come across a city. Any questions?” After finishing the tour in Barrow, AK, the 1,600 foreign-born individuals were each given a certificate of naturalization and a small American flag and left to find their way home.

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