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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.
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Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade

LOS ANGELES—Ever since he was hired by Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs Marketing Group two years ago, Sean Gordimer has been striving to impress the company's top brass. A 1995 graduate of the University of Southern California with a B.A. in business administration, the 23-year-old Gordimer has put in 60-hour weeks and attended every marketing seminar possible in an effort to get noticed and land that big promotion.

Sean Gordimer

So on Monday, when a Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs' vice-president informed Gordimer that he'd been chosen to be the new associate director of corporate communications for the Wellstone-Howe account, and would, subsequently, receive a $20,000 raise, he couldn't help but celebrate.

"As soon as I found out I got the promotion, I ran to the phone and called my girlfriend Kelly [Schayes]," a smiling Gordimer said, recalling that magic moment toward which he had worked for so long. "I told her we were through."

The next day, the newly promoted Gordimer treated himself to a girlfriend upgrade, replacing Schayes with L.A.-area restaurant hostess/aspiring actress Robyn Turner, 21, whom Gordimer described as "a notch more attractive" than his previous partner.

"Kelly was extremely good-looking, no doubt," Gordimer said. "It's just that her breasts were somewhat on the small side, and, frankly, I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me a little. Fortunately, as the new associate director of corporate communications for the Wellstone-Howe account, I was finally able to do something about that."

Gordimer said that Turner holds numerous other advantages over his previous girlfriend, including longer legs, a smaller waist, and collagen-enhanced lips, a feature he described as "very sexy."

"I am extremely pleased," he said. "I'd always wanted a girl like Robyn, but, unfortunately, I wasn't able to obtain one as an entry-level executive. But I knew that if I worked hard and moved up in the company, I would be able to move up to a higher-caliber girlfriend, as well."

Gordimer, who also treated himself to a 1998 BMW Z-3 convertible following the promotion, said he is not through yet.

"I've got big goals," he said. "I want to make Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs America's leader in marketing solutions for the 21st century. And I also want a redhead."

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