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Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade

LOS ANGELES—Ever since he was hired by Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs Marketing Group two years ago, Sean Gordimer has been striving to impress the company's top brass. A 1995 graduate of the University of Southern California with a B.A. in business administration, the 23-year-old Gordimer has put in 60-hour weeks and attended every marketing seminar possible in an effort to get noticed and land that big promotion.

Sean Gordimer

So on Monday, when a Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs' vice-president informed Gordimer that he'd been chosen to be the new associate director of corporate communications for the Wellstone-Howe account, and would, subsequently, receive a $20,000 raise, he couldn't help but celebrate.

"As soon as I found out I got the promotion, I ran to the phone and called my girlfriend Kelly [Schayes]," a smiling Gordimer said, recalling that magic moment toward which he had worked for so long. "I told her we were through."

The next day, the newly promoted Gordimer treated himself to a girlfriend upgrade, replacing Schayes with L.A.-area restaurant hostess/aspiring actress Robyn Turner, 21, whom Gordimer described as "a notch more attractive" than his previous partner.

"Kelly was extremely good-looking, no doubt," Gordimer said. "It's just that her breasts were somewhat on the small side, and, frankly, I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me a little. Fortunately, as the new associate director of corporate communications for the Wellstone-Howe account, I was finally able to do something about that."

Gordimer said that Turner holds numerous other advantages over his previous girlfriend, including longer legs, a smaller waist, and collagen-enhanced lips, a feature he described as "very sexy."

"I am extremely pleased," he said. "I'd always wanted a girl like Robyn, but, unfortunately, I wasn't able to obtain one as an entry-level executive. But I knew that if I worked hard and moved up in the company, I would be able to move up to a higher-caliber girlfriend, as well."

Gordimer, who also treated himself to a 1998 BMW Z-3 convertible following the promotion, said he is not through yet.

"I've got big goals," he said. "I want to make Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs America's leader in marketing solutions for the 21st century. And I also want a redhead."

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Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

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