Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade

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Vol 32 Issue 17

CBS Picks Up NBC Nightly News

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster its flagging ratings, CBS announced Monday that it has picked up the longrunning NBC program NBC Nightly News. CBS—which paid $150 million for the rights to the highly rated news program after a lengthy bidding war with NBC, ABC and Fox—will run NBC Nightly News in its 7:30 p.m. EST time slot, immediately following CBS Evening News. "We are delighted to welcome the newest member of the CBS family," CBS president Laurence Hewitt said. "Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather are nighttime television’s new dream team. When put back to back, these two powerhouse shows form the most unbeatable, exciting hour of news anywhere." NBC will also air reruns of CBS Evening News weeknights at 11 p.m. EST, followed by Fox Tuesday Night At The Movies.

Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

MANHATTAN, KS—In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Bart Peintner made a vociferous appeal to Lord Jesus Christ Almighty Monday following a blunt ball-peen-hammer blow to his left thumb. "Holy Jesus Christ Almighty in Heaven!" said Peintner, who was repairing a chair at the time of the thumb injury/spiritual communion. Added Peintner: "Jesus Fucking Christ!" Spokespersons for Fucking Christ were unavailable for comment at press time.

Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an emergency measure Monday, California Gov. Pete Wilson ordered two dozen Northern California coastal communities evacuated following the appearance of an enormous Grace Slick along the coastline near Monterey. "We have no knowledge at this time of how this Slick may be contained," Wilson said. "But we are urging all residents in the immediate area to leave their homes and seek shelter inland." Slick, who has reportedly reached an area coverage of 4.5 acres, was unavailable for comment. "I just hope the indigenous wildlife of this region can be saved," said Greenpeace director Ron Wooten after surveying the damage. "So much devastation to the local ecosystem has occurred already. I pray the Slick does not continue to spread." Slick's rapidly spiraling mass has already destroyed the city of Berkeley, which Slick herself helped build on rock and roll.

Former President Carter Sole Attendee At 1997 Solar Power Summit

ATLANTA—The 1997 Solar Power Summit got off to an auspicious start Saturday, with a star-studded celebrity panel featuring such luminary as former U.S. president Jimmy Carter. "Solar power is the cleanest, safest, most ecologically sound power source available. We owe it to ourselves and this planet to invest in the development of renewable solar resources," said Carter, addressing more than 1,500 seats at the Atlanta Convention Center. "Your attendance at this summit stands as testimony to your commitment to a safe and clean future." Immediately following the summit, Carter boarded a cab to the Atlanta Marriott Hotel for MetriCon ’97. "America is slowly but surely ‘centimetering’ toward progress," Carter quipped.

This Column Is A 'Re-run'

Doc McGillicuddy ordered me not to write my column this week because I am just getting over a bout of the pleurisy, and I need my bed-rest. McGillicuddy suggested I consent to what he called a "re-run," or a printing of a previously published column.
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Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade

LOS ANGELES—Ever since he was hired by Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs Marketing Group two years ago, Sean Gordimer has been striving to impress the company's top brass. A 1995 graduate of the University of Southern California with a B.A. in business administration, the 23-year-old Gordimer has put in 60-hour weeks and attended every marketing seminar possible in an effort to get noticed and land that big promotion.

Sean Gordimer

So on Monday, when a Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs' vice-president informed Gordimer that he'd been chosen to be the new associate director of corporate communications for the Wellstone-Howe account, and would, subsequently, receive a $20,000 raise, he couldn't help but celebrate.

"As soon as I found out I got the promotion, I ran to the phone and called my girlfriend Kelly [Schayes]," a smiling Gordimer said, recalling that magic moment toward which he had worked for so long. "I told her we were through."

The next day, the newly promoted Gordimer treated himself to a girlfriend upgrade, replacing Schayes with L.A.-area restaurant hostess/aspiring actress Robyn Turner, 21, whom Gordimer described as "a notch more attractive" than his previous partner.

"Kelly was extremely good-looking, no doubt," Gordimer said. "It's just that her breasts were somewhat on the small side, and, frankly, I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me a little. Fortunately, as the new associate director of corporate communications for the Wellstone-Howe account, I was finally able to do something about that."

Gordimer said that Turner holds numerous other advantages over his previous girlfriend, including longer legs, a smaller waist, and collagen-enhanced lips, a feature he described as "very sexy."

"I am extremely pleased," he said. "I'd always wanted a girl like Robyn, but, unfortunately, I wasn't able to obtain one as an entry-level executive. But I knew that if I worked hard and moved up in the company, I would be able to move up to a higher-caliber girlfriend, as well."

Gordimer, who also treated himself to a 1998 BMW Z-3 convertible following the promotion, said he is not through yet.

"I've got big goals," he said. "I want to make Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs America's leader in marketing solutions for the 21st century. And I also want a redhead."

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