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Newly Tenured Professor Now Inspired To Work Harder Than Ever

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Newly Tenured Professor Now Inspired To Work Harder Than Ever

EVANSTON, IL—Shortly after learning he had been granted tenure Tuesday, Northwestern University mathematics professor Hugh Botkin told reporters that the promotion has motivated him to work harder than ever before in his chosen field. “I was able to get this far in my career by publishing as many papers as possible and carefully negotiating departmental politics, but now the real work begins,” said Botkin, 43, whose tenured faculty position ensures his employment until he voluntarily exits the job or dies. “I’m going to start teaching a lot more classes, advise as many Ph.D. candidates as possible, and voluntarily extend my office hours so I can provide students with as much one-on-one time as they need. Tenure is a huge honor, but it also comes with a lot of responsibility. From now on, anyone who enrolls in one of my classes can be certain my top priority will be how I can best serve them as a professor.” Sources later confirmed Botkin was up half the night poring over teacher evaluations from his students and thinking about ways he could improve his lecturing style.

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