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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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News Of Isiah Thomas Overdose Not As Fulfilling As Knicks Fan Would Have Hoped

NEW YORK—Although Isiah Thomas' accidental sleeping pill overdose came as welcome news to Knicks fan Brian Hart, the embarrassing chapter in the ex-coach's life didn't quite spark the sense of elation Hart would have expected. I guess when it comes to Isiah Thomas, my expectations are so high that nothing can actually meet them, ya know?" said Hart, who has been fantasizing about exotic and fatal harm befalling Thomas for the past four years. "Sure, his pathetic attempt to shift the blame onto his daughter was pretty classic. Even I never imagined he'd do something like that. But the whole overdose thing kind of left me cold. I mean, a bus accident, some kind of electrocution, jumping off a bridge—that would be something. But an overdose is like, 'Yes, this makes sense, now let's move on.'" Hart expressed confidence that Thomas would eventually meet with a satisfying end, but has currently turned his attention to hoping Stephon Marbury contracts smallpox.

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