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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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News Of Isiah Thomas Overdose Not As Fulfilling As Knicks Fan Would Have Hoped

NEW YORK—Although Isiah Thomas' accidental sleeping pill overdose came as welcome news to Knicks fan Brian Hart, the embarrassing chapter in the ex-coach's life didn't quite spark the sense of elation Hart would have expected. I guess when it comes to Isiah Thomas, my expectations are so high that nothing can actually meet them, ya know?" said Hart, who has been fantasizing about exotic and fatal harm befalling Thomas for the past four years. "Sure, his pathetic attempt to shift the blame onto his daughter was pretty classic. Even I never imagined he'd do something like that. But the whole overdose thing kind of left me cold. I mean, a bus accident, some kind of electrocution, jumping off a bridge—that would be something. But an overdose is like, 'Yes, this makes sense, now let's move on.'" Hart expressed confidence that Thomas would eventually meet with a satisfying end, but has currently turned his attention to hoping Stephon Marbury contracts smallpox.

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