News Of Jenna Elfman Sitcom Sends Herd Of Buffalo Into Wild Stampede

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Vol 45 Issue 36

Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Local man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting.

Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories

TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice."

Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port-au-Prince, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.
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News Of Jenna Elfman Sitcom Sends Herd Of Buffalo Into Wild Stampede

WYOMING—Hundreds of buffalo thundered across the Wyoming plains Thursday after news of actress Jenna Elfman's latest sitcom, Accidentally On Purpose, spooked the unsuspecting herbivores. Upon learning of the new CBS comedy about a single woman who finds herself pregnant after a one-night stand with a much younger guy, the buffalo charged en masse, responding as if by instinct alone. "A stampede of this magnitude is extremely rare," said Howard Kremer, a specialist in herd-bound behavior who noted that this was one of the most destructive events of its kind he had ever seen. "Only a large enough threat, such as an approaching pack of wolves, or a quirky prime-time vehicle built around the former costar of Dharma And Greg, could trigger it." At press time, the frightened herd had run itself off a nearby cliff, so blind was its desire to escape the hijinks and hilarity airing Mondays this fall.

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