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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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News Of Jenna Elfman Sitcom Sends Herd Of Buffalo Into Wild Stampede

WYOMING—Hundreds of buffalo thundered across the Wyoming plains Thursday after news of actress Jenna Elfman's latest sitcom, Accidentally On Purpose, spooked the unsuspecting herbivores. Upon learning of the new CBS comedy about a single woman who finds herself pregnant after a one-night stand with a much younger guy, the buffalo charged en masse, responding as if by instinct alone. "A stampede of this magnitude is extremely rare," said Howard Kremer, a specialist in herd-bound behavior who noted that this was one of the most destructive events of its kind he had ever seen. "Only a large enough threat, such as an approaching pack of wolves, or a quirky prime-time vehicle built around the former costar of Dharma And Greg, could trigger it." At press time, the frightened herd had run itself off a nearby cliff, so blind was its desire to escape the hijinks and hilarity airing Mondays this fall.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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