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News Report On Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful For Its Brevity

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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News Report On Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful For Its Brevity

KHAWHEABAD, AFGHANISTAN—A 300-word article describing a nighttime attack on civilians that was carried out using white phosphorous charges and bayonets was given additional impact and emotional resonance by virtue of its brevity, sources close to the story's reporters confirmed Monday. Use of plain facts, such as the number of civilians killed in the incident, the simple mention of the extremely high temperature at which white phosphorous burns and of its tendency to adhere to human flesh, and the stark observation that most of the survivors were orphaned children under 14 years of age, lent the piece an almost unendurable weight. Furthermore, sources confirmed that the article's brief description of an elderly woman cradling an infant was made more powerful by its terseness, allowing readers to fill in the missing details with their own vivid imaginations. At press time, it was not known whether a similarly emotionally desolate and devastating follow-up feature would eventually run.

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