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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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News Report On Wartime Atrocity Even More Powerful For Its Brevity

KHAWHEABAD, AFGHANISTAN—A 300-word article describing a nighttime attack on civilians that was carried out using white phosphorous charges and bayonets was given additional impact and emotional resonance by virtue of its brevity, sources close to the story's reporters confirmed Monday. Use of plain facts, such as the number of civilians killed in the incident, the simple mention of the extremely high temperature at which white phosphorous burns and of its tendency to adhere to human flesh, and the stark observation that most of the survivors were orphaned children under 14 years of age, lent the piece an almost unendurable weight. Furthermore, sources confirmed that the article's brief description of an elderly woman cradling an infant was made more powerful by its terseness, allowing readers to fill in the missing details with their own vivid imaginations. At press time, it was not known whether a similarly emotionally desolate and devastating follow-up feature would eventually run.

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