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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Next Generation To Take A Pass On Aerosmith

BOSTON—In an address made to the rock-and-roll community Tuesday, the nation's children aged 5 to 14 announced their intention to opt out of being influenced, stirred, or otherwise affected by the rock band Aerosmith. "We are aware the classic American band has, since their rise to fame in the 1970s, repeatedly come out of nowhere to penetrate popular culture, be it with their 1986 comeback duet with Run D.M.C., the 1993 film Mrs. Doubtfire, which prominently featured 'Dude Looks Like a Lady,' or their 2001 Super Bowl performance with Britney Spears," said a spokesman for the so-called Generation Z, 13-year-old Max Hersch. "But we are respectfully declining. No Aerosmith for us, thanks." When reached for comment, Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler called attempts to evade the band "futile," adding that the rock quintet's influence over the young set is just one "Dream On" duet with Hannah Montana away.

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