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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Next In The Dome: Belichick's Jealousy, A Record-Breaking Performance And A Brave Phillies Fan Kept Alive By Her Hatred Of David Wright

If you're plugged into the Dome's 24-hour sports-drip, then you've already got the night's top stories and highlights flowing through your veins. But Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard are back to inject a syringe of pure Dome straight into your heart.

Tune in to Onion SportsDome TONIGHT 1030/930c on Comedy Central

Tonight's stories include:

- In a story you saw here first, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick acts out on his jealousy and insecurity with a vicious acid attack on his quarterback Tom Brady.

- In California, 13-year-old Corey Lawrence is well on his way to becoming the most prolific masturbator in history with an incredible performance that has grabbed the nation's attention.

- And the inspiring story of a brave little Phillies fan battling cancer with the best medicine of all -- virulent hatred of Mets third baseman David Wright.

In the meantime, browse the OSN website for all the latest sports saturation, and catch up on the baseball-crime procedural the Washington Post calls "the tense, hip crime procedural hardball fans have been waiting for" -- "Late Inning Drama," and check out episode summaries on the show's episode guide.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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