Next In The Dome: Belichick's Jealousy, A Record-Breaking Performance And A Brave Phillies Fan Kept Alive By Her Hatred Of David Wright

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Next In The Dome: Belichick's Jealousy, A Record-Breaking Performance And A Brave Phillies Fan Kept Alive By Her Hatred Of David Wright

If you're plugged into the Dome's 24-hour sports-drip, then you've already got the night's top stories and highlights flowing through your veins. But Alex Reiser and Mark Shepard are back to inject a syringe of pure Dome straight into your heart.

Tune in to Onion SportsDome TONIGHT 1030/930c on Comedy Central

Tonight's stories include:

- In a story you saw here first, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick acts out on his jealousy and insecurity with a vicious acid attack on his quarterback Tom Brady.

- In California, 13-year-old Corey Lawrence is well on his way to becoming the most prolific masturbator in history with an incredible performance that has grabbed the nation's attention.

- And the inspiring story of a brave little Phillies fan battling cancer with the best medicine of all -- virulent hatred of Mets third baseman David Wright.

In the meantime, browse the OSN website for all the latest sports saturation, and catch up on the baseball-crime procedural the Washington Post calls "the tense, hip crime procedural hardball fans have been waiting for" -- "Late Inning Drama," and check out episode summaries on the show's episode guide.


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