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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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NFC East

New York Giants

  • Strength: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped
  • Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion stadium
  • Player To Watch: After missing most of the 2009 season with a knee injury, Kenny Phillips has looked pretty good in practice, although nobody remembers who he is or what position he plays
  • Biggest Question: How will the Giants handle a very tough schedule that includes games against the Indianapolis Colts, their division rivals, the 1996 All-Madden team, and the '78 Steelers?

Dallas Cowboys

  • Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
  • Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
  • Intangibles: Fuck the Dallas Cowboys and every fucking thing they stand for; special teams
  • Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

Philadelphia Eagles

  • Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb
  • Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion
  • Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at
  • Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?

Washington Redskins

  • Strength: Acquisition of 33-year-old Donovan McNabb gives them a solid quarterback for maybe four weeks
  • Weakness: Receivers, running backs, offensive line, and defense, but, um, this is the year the Redskins really turn it around
  • Player To Watch: Albert Haynesworth, in that uncomfortable car-accident can't-stop-looking way
  • Biggest Question: By how big a margin will the Redskins beat the Rams, and how many games will that buy Donovan McNabb before fans want him benched?

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