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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NFC East

New York Giants

  • Strength: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped
  • Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion stadium
  • Player To Watch: After missing most of the 2009 season with a knee injury, Kenny Phillips has looked pretty good in practice, although nobody remembers who he is or what position he plays
  • Biggest Question: How will the Giants handle a very tough schedule that includes games against the Indianapolis Colts, their division rivals, the 1996 All-Madden team, and the '78 Steelers?

Dallas Cowboys

  • Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
  • Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
  • Intangibles: Fuck the Dallas Cowboys and every fucking thing they stand for; special teams
  • Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

Philadelphia Eagles

  • Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb
  • Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion
  • Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at
  • Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?

Washington Redskins

  • Strength: Acquisition of 33-year-old Donovan McNabb gives them a solid quarterback for maybe four weeks
  • Weakness: Receivers, running backs, offensive line, and defense, but, um, this is the year the Redskins really turn it around
  • Player To Watch: Albert Haynesworth, in that uncomfortable car-accident can't-stop-looking way
  • Biggest Question: By how big a margin will the Redskins beat the Rams, and how many games will that buy Donovan McNabb before fans want him benched?

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