Residents of Pennington, IL report that hot shit Jeff Statsky has returned home with his tail between his legs.
New York Giants
- Strength: Excellent at believing Eli Manning is a Hall of Fame quarterback; cohesive offensive line understands that blocking begins when ball is snapped
- Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion stadium
- Player To Watch: After missing most of the 2009 season with a knee injury, Kenny Phillips has looked pretty good in practice, although nobody remembers who he is or what position he plays
- Biggest Question: How will the Giants handle a very tough schedule that includes games against the Indianapolis Colts, their division rivals, the 1996 All-Madden team, and the '78 Steelers?
- Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry
- Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety
- Intangibles: Fuck the Dallas Cowboys and every fucking thing they stand for; special teams
- Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?
- Strength: Though they have lost Donovan McNabb's rocket arm, they have gained a highly accurate short-range subsonic cruise missile of an arm in Kevin Kolb
- Weakness: With the loss of Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion
- Player To Watch: Michael Vick's athleticism as he walks up and down the sideline, sits down on a bench, and jumps up whenever he thinks his name is called but realizes the coaches are talking to another Michael, is something to marvel at
- Biggest Question: When will Philadelphia fans finally use their car-battery catapult?
- Strength: Acquisition of 33-year-old Donovan McNabb gives them a solid quarterback for maybe four weeks
- Weakness: Receivers, running backs, offensive line, and defense, but, um, this is the year the Redskins really turn it around
- Player To Watch: Albert Haynesworth, in that uncomfortable car-accident can't-stop-looking way
- Biggest Question: By how big a margin will the Redskins beat the Rams, and how many games will that buy Donovan McNabb before fans want him benched?