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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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NFC North

Minnesota Vikings

  • Strength: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin Williams and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justice from being served in their StarCaps trial
  • Weakness: The Vikings have struggled to prepare for opponents ever since Minnesota Child Protective Services seized Brad Childress' entire tape collection
  • Intangibles: Except for Matt, John, and Rick, who are pretty great guys, Vikings fans are pretty much ignorant, petulant bandwagoners
  • Biggest Question: The Vikings still have many unanswered questions in the secondary, such as "What's a cornerback?" and "Who was supposed to cover that guy?"

Chicago Bears

  • Strength: Running back Matt Forte silenced doubters when he had no problem pushing the offensive line out of his way
  • Weakness: Lovie Smith spending majority of practice having players help him pack up his office
  • Player To Watch: Quarterback Jay Culter displayed his toughness and resilience after getting his thumb stuck in the metal spring clip on his clipboard
  • Biggest Question: Mike Martz has expressed doubts in offensive players' ability to learn the wide variety of fish at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium

Detroit Lions

  • Strength: Since they play in the NFC North, this team should get two easy wins when facing the lowly Lions
  • Weakness: Despite the prayers of fans, players, and coaches, it doesn't seem plausible that the Ford Field stadium will spontaneously collapse
  • Player To Watch: Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has the power to burst through the offensive line, the speed to outrun coaches, and the endurance to hide in the parking lot until his contract ends
  • Biggest Question: Is this talent-rich roster willing to put in extra effort to get cut from the team?

Green Bay Packers

  • Strength: After giving up 50 sacks in 2009, Green Bay's offensive line appears to have forgiven Aaron Rodgers for whatever he did
  • Weakness: With too many offensive weapons, thoughtful quarterback Aaron Rodgers may struggle with deciding who really deserves the ball the most
  • Player To Watch: Former first-round draft pick Justin Harrell is chasing down quarterbacks better than ever with his new motorized wheelchair
  • Intangibles: Wide range of veterans and young players may make it hard for the team to find common ground on movies and music they like

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