SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing sorrow at the mere thought of what she has to endure, Americans across the nation confirmed Thursday that they feel absolutely terrible for the wife of a Little League World Series coach.
NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues.
WASHINGTON—Noting that the two-week spectacle had likely stirred up a newfound passion and enthusiasm for the Games, reports confirmed Monday that some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host the Olympics now.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Reflecting on the recently concluded 2016 Summer Games in Rio, members of the International Olympic Committee held a press conference Sunday to proudly announce that on the whole, only about four or five really terrible things happened.
MOSCOW—Stressing that they are on the precipice of a major crisis, Russian Olympic Committee officials held a press conference Friday to confirm that the team’s clean urine reservoir is almost fully depleted.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Candidly opening up about his winning strategy after taking gold in the event, U.S. Olympic triple-jumper Christian Taylor revealed to reporters Friday that the key to a successful triple jump is jumping twice, and then jumping one more time.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
SPOKANE, WA—Noting the veteran sportscaster’s perseverance through such difficult conditions, 31-year-old Olympics fan Roland Keller expressed his amazement to reporters Thursday at the sheer grit and determination displayed by Dan Patrick as he engaged in several moments of small talk with NBC host Bob Costas.
NEW YORK—Already eagerly anticipating the team’s follow-up to their lackluster performance in Rio, basketball fans across the nation expressed their excitement to reporters Wednesday about the incredible U.S. men’s basketball team that will be put together in 2020 as redemption for the 2016 Olympics.
NEW YORK—Recognizing the 14-time All-Star as he played the final game of his 20-year MLB career Friday, the New York Yankees honored retiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a three-second-long tribute video.
NEW YORK—Announcing the record-setting deal hours before his final game as a player, the New York Yankees revealed at a press conference Friday that the team has signed Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $420 million contract as a front office consultant.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Glowing with pride as he spoke about his infant son’s strict daily nutritional regimen, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps explained to reporters Wednesday that his 3-month-old son, Boomer, consumes 12,000 calories of breast milk per day.
MONTREAL—Saying they have received multiple phone calls and emails from the NBC Sports host every day for the past four weeks, members of the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters Tuesday they were extremely unnerved by Bob Costas’ repeated requests to submit his own urine sample ahead of the 2016 Summer Olympics.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Chronicling what many have called the most touching and incredible narrative of the Rio Games, NBC aired a special feature Monday about the inspirational story of Bridgestone’s journey to the 2016 Olympics.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Gripping the brightly colored character neck and displaying him as an offering to ensure a successful Games, Olympics head priestess Esmeralda Caixeta sanctified the opening ceremony by slitting the throat of Rio mascot Vinicius from ear to ear, sources confirmed Friday.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Citing the variety of long, drawn-out performances and back-to-back recitations of the Olympic oath in 30 different languages, sources confirmed Friday that Rio Olympics officials were clearly trying to buy more time with a six-day-long opening ceremony.
Strength: Showing off his youthful exuberance, 40-year-old Brett Favre is still out there running the media around like a little kid; defensive tackles Kevin Williams and Pat Williams look impressive in their ability to stop all forms of justice from being served in their StarCaps trial
Weakness: The Vikings have struggled to prepare for opponents ever since Minnesota Child Protective Services seized Brad Childress' entire tape collection
Intangibles: Except for Matt, John, and Rick, who are pretty great guys, Vikings fans are pretty much ignorant, petulant bandwagoners
Biggest Question: The Vikings still have many unanswered questions in the secondary, such as "What's a cornerback?" and "Who was supposed to cover that guy?"
Strength: Running back Matt Forte silenced doubters when he had no problem pushing the offensive line out of his way
Weakness: Lovie Smith spending majority of practice having players help him pack up his office
Player To Watch: Quarterback Jay Culter displayed his toughness and resilience after getting his thumb stuck in the metal spring clip on his clipboard
Biggest Question: Mike Martz has expressed doubts in offensive players' ability to learn the wide variety of fish at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium
Strength: Since they play in the NFC North, this team should get two easy wins when facing the lowly Lions
Weakness: Despite the prayers of fans, players, and coaches, it doesn't seem plausible that the Ford Field stadium will spontaneously collapse
Player To Watch: Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has the power to burst through the offensive line, the speed to outrun coaches, and the endurance to hide in the parking lot until his contract ends
Biggest Question: Is this talent-rich roster willing to put in extra effort to get cut from the team?
Green Bay Packers
Strength: After giving up 50 sacks in 2009, Green Bay's offensive line appears to have forgiven Aaron Rodgers for whatever he did
Weakness: With too many offensive weapons, thoughtful quarterback Aaron Rodgers may struggle with deciding who really deserves the ball the most
Player To Watch: Former first-round draft pick Justin Harrell is chasing down quarterbacks better than ever with his new motorized wheelchair
Intangibles: Wide range of veterans and young players may make it hard for the team to find common ground on movies and music they like