CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.
- Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse should have run its course; Black is still a very intimidating color
- Weakness: Have all the makings of a team that stays just competitive enough to keep their fans clinging to hope through a 7-9 season
- Player To Watch: Everyone respects a player toughing through injury, but it remains to be seen how Michael Turner expects to produce without his surgically removed left foot
- Biggest Question: Can the Braves' return to relevance in baseball keep people distracted as the Falcons start 0-3?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- Strength: They play the Rams, so at least one of those teams won't have to lose every game this season
- Weakness: Looking at this roster, it may not be the best year to play in a stadium where fans have access to several functioning cannons
- Intangibles: Signing a rookie wide receiver named Mike Williams has done nothing but backfire throughout the entire history of the league
- Player To Watch: Remember Warrick Dunn? He was a fun player to watch. Seemed like a genuinely nice guy, too
- Strength: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so you can bet this team will bring their best each week
- Weakness: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so Sundays will reek of the stench of desperation
- Biggest Question: Remind us again where this team is from exactly?
- Intangibles: Regardless of their performance on the field, every member of this team will one day die
New Orleans Saints
- Strength: Drew Brees didn't lose his right arm in a logging accident, so that bodes well
- Weakness: Really showing how shallow they are by hanging a gaudy Super Bowl Champions banner up right in the stadium
- Intangibles: City loves the team and all, but would gladly sacrifice every Saints win for functional houses and an oil-free Gulf
- Biggest Question: Can the Saints play well enough to reinvigorate the job outlook and restore industry to a broken and defeated metropolitan area?