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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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NFC South

Atlanta Falcons

  • Strength: It's been more than a year since Matt Ryan appeared in a Gillette commercial, so the Gillette commercial curse should have run its course; Black is still a very intimidating color
  • Weakness: Have all the makings of a team that stays just competitive enough to keep their fans clinging to hope through a 7-9 season
  • Player To Watch: Everyone respects a player toughing through injury, but it remains to be seen how Michael Turner expects to produce without his surgically removed left foot
  • Biggest Question: Can the Braves' return to relevance in baseball keep people distracted as the Falcons start 0-3?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

  • Strength: They play the Rams, so at least one of those teams won't have to lose every game this season
  • Weakness: Looking at this roster, it may not be the best year to play in a stadium where fans have access to several functioning cannons
  • Intangibles: Signing a rookie wide receiver named Mike Williams has done nothing but backfire throughout the entire history of the league
  • Player To Watch: Remember Warrick Dunn? He was a fun player to watch. Seemed like a genuinely nice guy, too

Carolina Panthers

  • Strength: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so you can bet this team will bring their best each week
  • Weakness: John Fox is likely coaching for his job, so Sundays will reek of the stench of desperation
  • Biggest Question: Remind us again where this team is from exactly?
  • Intangibles: Regardless of their performance on the field, every member of this team will one day die

New Orleans Saints

  • Strength: Drew Brees didn't lose his right arm in a logging accident, so that bodes well
  • Weakness: Really showing how shallow they are by hanging a gaudy Super Bowl Champions banner up right in the stadium
  • Intangibles: City loves the team and all, but would gladly sacrifice every Saints win for functional houses and an oil-free Gulf
  • Biggest Question: Can the Saints play well enough to reinvigorate the job outlook and restore industry to a broken and defeated metropolitan area?

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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