adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks

  • Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
  • Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
  • Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
  • Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

  • Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
  • Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
  • Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
  • Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

  • Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
  • Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
  • Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
  • Biggest Question: What sick fuck thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

  • Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
  • Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
  • Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
  • Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close