adBlockCheck

NFC West

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks

  • Strength: Reports from coach's office indicate Pete Carroll is a complete football genius
  • Weakness: Team is in their 10th year of humoring quarterback and Make-A-Wish cancer patient Matt Hasselbeck
  • Player To Watch: Tackle Russell Okung is injured and may miss the season opener, so watching him will spare you from seeing the Seahawks play
  • Intangibles: Billionaire owner Paul Allen is concentrating less on his team and more on hollowing out the earth so he can live inside it with the dinosaurs there

San Francisco 49ers

  • Strength: He may not be a Joe Montana, but Alex Smith is proving to be a better QB than Jim Druckenmiller, Gio Carmazzi, or Steve Stenstrom ever were
  • Weakness: Whatever head coach Mike Singletary is thinking at any given moment
  • Player To Watch: Veteran Brian Westbrook is always a threat to explode into a cloud of ligaments and bone
  • Biggest Question: If the 49ers are willing to let Glen Coffee go to follow Christ, what's to stop the entire team from following suit?

St. Louis Rams

  • Strength: Going into 2010, the Rams are almost perfectly positioned to receive another high draft pick in 2011
  • Weakness: Battle for the quarterback position seems to be heating up, as neither starter A.J. Feely nor first overall draft pick Sam Bradford wants to be blamed for the upcoming 2-14 season
  • Intangibles: Scuttlebutt around the league says the Rams have a pretty good track record when it comes to playing decent music on the locker-room boom box
  • Biggest Question: What sick fuck thought it would be a good idea for the Rams to face the defending Super Bowl champion Saints on the road Dec. 12?

Arizona Cardinals

  • Strength: Superstar Larry Fitzgerald runs crisp routes, gets good separation, and watches helplessly as poorly thrown passes wobble to the turf
  • Weakness: Kurt Warner is getting slower and less accurate because he has retired and is never, ever coming back
  • Player To Watch: None, although team is well-stocked with players to turn away from while cringing because you can't bear to watch
  • Intangibles: Matt Leinart, who may be the least tangible quarterback in the NFL

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close