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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NFL Announces Jacksonville Jaguars To Play 16 Games In London Next Season

NEW YORK—Noting the league’s increasing popularity among fans in Britain and across Europe, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell revealed Tuesday that the Jacksonville Jaguars will play 16 regular season games in London next season. “Fans in the United Kingdom have shown an incredible passion and enthusiasm for our sport, so I’m thrilled to announce 16 exciting matchups featuring the Jacksonville Jaguars at Wembley Stadium next year,” Goodell told reporters, adding that the Jaguars will be listed as the home team for eight of their London games and as the away team for the remaining eight. “This is a great opportunity to further grow the NFL internationally and give thousands of British fans the chance to see the Jaguars play in person. And to prevent any logistical issues, the team will stay in England during those weeks with their own practice field, training facility, and front office based in London.” Goodell also confirmed that the Jaguars would also wear special limited-edition uniforms for their London games, featuring a new color scheme and team logo.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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