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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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NFL Announces Jacksonville Jaguars To Play 16 Games In London Next Season

NEW YORK—Noting the league’s increasing popularity among fans in Britain and across Europe, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell revealed Tuesday that the Jacksonville Jaguars will play 16 regular season games in London next season. “Fans in the United Kingdom have shown an incredible passion and enthusiasm for our sport, so I’m thrilled to announce 16 exciting matchups featuring the Jacksonville Jaguars at Wembley Stadium next year,” Goodell told reporters, adding that the Jaguars will be listed as the home team for eight of their London games and as the away team for the remaining eight. “This is a great opportunity to further grow the NFL internationally and give thousands of British fans the chance to see the Jaguars play in person. And to prevent any logistical issues, the team will stay in England during those weeks with their own practice field, training facility, and front office based in London.” Goodell also confirmed that the Jaguars would also wear special limited-edition uniforms for their London games, featuring a new color scheme and team logo.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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