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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Camera Operators Prepare For Challenging Year Of Avoiding Offensive Michael Sam Signs

NEW YORK—Saying that they’ll have to rely on nearly every trick they’ve learned, NFL camera operators told reporters Friday they are already preparing for a difficult year of avoiding fans who hold up derogatory signs directed at openly gay defensive end Michael Sam. “It’s safe to say that cutting to opposing fans after Sam makes a big play will always be out of the question,” said cameraman Joseph Heizer, adding that when they are obligated to pan the crowd, they’ll need to be ready to quickly jerk away from inflammatory signs and land on something safe like the referees, coaching staff, or turf. “We’re also going to stick with a lot of zoomed-out, low-focus shots of the stands so that the poster boards with homophobic slurs just look like colorful squares. And any time we do zoom in on screaming fans, we’ll just have to shake the camera a little bit so you can’t tell what they’re actually shouting.” The cameramen added that they are also proposing a 15-second delay for all games taking place in the South.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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