adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL Camera Operators Prepare For Challenging Year Of Avoiding Offensive Michael Sam Signs

NEW YORK—Saying that they’ll have to rely on nearly every trick they’ve learned, NFL camera operators told reporters Friday they are already preparing for a difficult year of avoiding fans who hold up derogatory signs directed at openly gay defensive end Michael Sam. “It’s safe to say that cutting to opposing fans after Sam makes a big play will always be out of the question,” said cameraman Joseph Heizer, adding that when they are obligated to pan the crowd, they’ll need to be ready to quickly jerk away from inflammatory signs and land on something safe like the referees, coaching staff, or turf. “We’re also going to stick with a lot of zoomed-out, low-focus shots of the stands so that the poster boards with homophobic slurs just look like colorful squares. And any time we do zoom in on screaming fans, we’ll just have to shake the camera a little bit so you can’t tell what they’re actually shouting.” The cameramen added that they are also proposing a 15-second delay for all games taking place in the South.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close