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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NFL Denies Miami Dolphins' Request To Watch Super Bowl

MIAMI—Just hours after filing their annual request to view the NFL Championship Game, an annual ritual usually regarded as a mere formality for most football teams, the foundering Miami Dolphins organization received a curt "no" from the league's front office. "It is the considered opinion of the league that winning only a single game out of 16 is well below the standard we expect from our teams," the response from the league, penned by Roger Goodell and signed by a coalition of NFL owners, read in part. "We the undersigned feel the free time of Miami's players, coaches, and front-office personnel would be better spent scouting the draft, working on their fundamentals, or perhaps even seeking alternate employment." Goodell attached a special rider to the Super Bowl denial-of-viewership form specifically instructing the Dolphins not to try and watch the Super Bowl at a bar or at someone else's house, as the NFL would be sure to find out eventually.

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