In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country, all they really want is to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, and entertained at absolutely all times.
MIAMI—Just hours after filing their annual request to view the NFL Championship Game, an annual ritual usually regarded as a mere formality for most football teams, the foundering Miami Dolphins organization received a curt "no" from the league's front office. "It is the considered opinion of the league that winning only a single game out of 16 is well below the standard we expect from our teams," the response from the league, penned by Roger Goodell and signed by a coalition of NFL owners, read in part. "We the undersigned feel the free time of Miami's players, coaches, and front-office personnel would be better spent scouting the draft, working on their fundamentals, or perhaps even seeking alternate employment." Goodell attached a special rider to the Super Bowl denial-of-viewership form specifically instructing the Dolphins not to try and watch the Super Bowl at a bar or at someone else's house, as the NFL would be sure to find out eventually.