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NFL Fans Excited To Finally Bitch About Regular Referees

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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NFL Fans Excited To Finally Bitch About Regular Referees

NEW YORK—After three controversy-filled weeks, the NFL finally reached a deal with its locked-out officials Thursday, sparking waves of excitement from fans longing to bitch and complain about non-replacement referees again. “It’s about damn time, I was starting to wonder if I’d ever get the chance to call the regular refs a bunch of blind-as-fuck dipshits again,” said Jets fan Herb Krzynski, adding that it “just hasn’t felt the same” threatening to injure replacement officials in the parking lot after games. “Honestly, it was hurting the integrity of the game to have us terrorizing the family members of those replacement referees on Facebook. It’s going to feel so much better doing that to the normal referees.” When reached for comment, several of the replacement referees also expressed their excitement to return to officiating at high school and junior college games where they get bitched at by real fans instead of “drunk corporate pricks in $900 seats.”

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