adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL Fans Excited To Finally Bitch About Regular Referees

NEW YORK—After three controversy-filled weeks, the NFL finally reached a deal with its locked-out officials Thursday, sparking waves of excitement from fans longing to bitch and complain about non-replacement referees again. “It’s about damn time, I was starting to wonder if I’d ever get the chance to call the regular refs a bunch of blind-as-fuck dipshits again,” said Jets fan Herb Krzynski, adding that it “just hasn’t felt the same” threatening to injure replacement officials in the parking lot after games. “Honestly, it was hurting the integrity of the game to have us terrorizing the family members of those replacement referees on Facebook. It’s going to feel so much better doing that to the normal referees.” When reached for comment, several of the replacement referees also expressed their excitement to return to officiating at high school and junior college games where they get bitched at by real fans instead of “drunk corporate pricks in $900 seats.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close