NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

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Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report. "When the return man catches the football, looks up to see the coverage team has already made it across the 50-yard line, and slowly, almost reluctantly sinks to take a knee in the end zone… That may be the best play in sports," said longtime football fan David Merriman. "In fact there is nothing more boring to me than when the return man evades a few tackles, gets a key block, and sprints up the sideline towards the end zone. Touchbacks are why I watch football." In related news, the Chicago Bears have released return specialist Devin Hester, saying there were at least three people on their roster who could kneel down with the ball for $8 million less.

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