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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL Fines Chad Johnson For Elaborate Catch

CINCINNATI, OH—The NFL Competition Committee levied a $35,000 fine against Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson Thursday for an excessive reception in the fourth quarter of Sunday's game against the Titans. "After conclusively studying the film of Chad Johnson's leaping three-yard touchdown catch, we found that it was clearly a jab at the other team," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who felt the Pro-Bowl receiver's flagrant display of athletic ability was "gaudy" and "went beyond the bounds of good taste." "Did Johnson need to jump that high and stretch his arms that far out in order to catch the ball? I don't really think so… We need to warn him that if he pulls any more aerial stunts like this he will be suspended." Goodell added that he had reason believed Johnson's attention-grabbing end-zone antics were premeditated, and that such catches were rehearsed dozens of times during the week with the full cooperation of his team.

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