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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NFL Fines Pacman Jones For Not Tucking Gun Into Pants

NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Wednesday that Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones has committed a uniform weapons violation and will be fined $2,000 for keeping his nine-millimeter Beretta handgun in his game uniform's belt and not tucking the firearm into his uniform pants as rules stipulate during Monday night's game against the Philadelphia Eagles. "This fine sends a clear message that there is no leeway when it comes the NFL's new firearms policy—if players have a sidearm in their pants while on the field of play, said pistol must be tucked into the front, back, or sides of said pants," a statement from the commissioner's office read in part. "Once again, the rule is clear: Players can carry up to five guns onto the field at any one time, but only if they are properly carried in holsters underneath their jerseys, in the aforementioned portions of their pants, or in their sock." Goodell also cautioned Jones to be mindful of rule 14b of the on-field uniform code, which states that one may shoot an opposing quarterback once and only once as long as the throwing arm is not targeted.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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