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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL Forbids Chiefs From Creating Their Own Schedule Again Next Season

NEW YORK—Assuring reporters that the team will soon be “back on a level playing field,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Tuesday that the currently undefeated Kansas City Chiefs will not be permitted to create their own schedule again next season. “Though we allowed them to make these decisions this time around, the Kansas City Chiefs will not be able to handpick which NFC and AFC divisions they’re matched up against next year,” said Goodell, adding that in order to maintain parity across both conferences, the Chiefs will not be authorized to once again dictate which games they play at home or the timing of their bye week. “We felt it wasn’t in the best interests of the league to invite Kansas City’s upper management back to the NFL front office next April to choose their opponents, the order in which they play those opponents, each week’s kickoff time, and the location of every game. Letting the Chiefs select the absolute easiest schedule possible ultimately reflects poorly on the NFL as a whole, and was clearly an abuse of the privilege.” Goodell also noted that the league may allow the Jacksonville Jaguars to choose their schedule next season, but admitted to reporters “it probably won’t make a difference anyway.”

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