NFL GMs Frantically Studying Bleacher Report Slideshow On Top College Prospects

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NFL Draft

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.

New NFL Combine Drill Places Player Alone In Room With Woman

INDIANAPOLIS— Explaining that the new exercise will help teams more accurately and comprehensively assess draft prospects, NFL representatives confirmed Tuesday that the newest scouting combine drill simply places college players in a small room alo...

Kim Kiper Puts Husband's Mock Draft Up On Fridge

TOWSON, MD—Kim Kiper proudly displayed her husband’s 2013 NFL mock draft on the refrigerator door Wednesday, claiming that the 52-year-old football analyst worked very hard hand-writing a list of potential selections for every single team in t...

Orange Cone Impresses Scouts At NFL Combine

INDIANAPOLIS—Scouts at the 2013 NFL Combine are reportedly abuzz over a 3-inch orange cone whose draft stock is skyrocketing after a standout performance in the first two days of the annual talent showcase.

NFL Panics When Only 17 Prospects Declare For Draft

NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Monday that the 2012 player draft, originally scheduled to begin April 26, may have to be rescheduled or restructured, as only 17 college prospects have declared thus far.

Report: NFL Players Look Weird In Suits

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the Professional Association of Custom Clothiers, NFL players, especially offensive linemen, generally look really weird in suits.

NFL Combine Highlights

With the NFL draft combine in the books, Onion Sports takes a closer look at some of the more notable performances:
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NFL GMs Frantically Studying Bleacher Report Slideshow On Top College Prospects

NEW YORK—With the 2014 NFL Draft less than a month away, sources confirmed Tuesday that GMs from across the league are closely studying a Bleacher Report slideshow titled “Ranking The Top 100 NFL Draft Prospects” before making their final decisions. “Dammit, we had [University of Michigan offensive tackle Taylor] Lewan going top 10, but we must have missed something at the combine, because he’s ranked 17th on here,” said Baltimore Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome, frantically rearranging the team’s draft board while paging through the slideshow. “See this? [Vanderbilt wide receiver] Jordan Matthews ‘can get open and just seems to find the ball’—forget everybody else, we have to take this guy first round. Christ, why the hell weren’t we able to find out this info from our scouting reports?” At press time, Newsome had decided to scrap the team’s potential selections entirely after coming across a new mock draft posted on FanSided.com.

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