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NFL GMs Frantically Studying Bleacher Report Slideshow On Top College Prospects

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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NFL GMs Frantically Studying Bleacher Report Slideshow On Top College Prospects

NEW YORK—With the 2014 NFL Draft less than a month away, sources confirmed Tuesday that GMs from across the league are closely studying a Bleacher Report slideshow titled “Ranking The Top 100 NFL Draft Prospects” before making their final decisions. “Dammit, we had [University of Michigan offensive tackle Taylor] Lewan going top 10, but we must have missed something at the combine, because he’s ranked 17th on here,” said Baltimore Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome, frantically rearranging the team’s draft board while paging through the slideshow. “See this? [Vanderbilt wide receiver] Jordan Matthews ‘can get open and just seems to find the ball’—forget everybody else, we have to take this guy first round. Christ, why the hell weren’t we able to find out this info from our scouting reports?” At press time, Newsome had decided to scrap the team’s potential selections entirely after coming across a new mock draft posted on FanSided.com.

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