adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL Hopes Rolling Stones Will Attract 18-To-55 Male Demographic

DETROIT—With ratings for the Super Bowl telecast dropping to the point where a mere 86.1 million viewers watched the program in 2005, the NFL and Super Bowl XL broadcast partner ABC will attempt to reach their key demographic—males ages 18 to 55—with a halftime performance by the Rolling Stones. "Advertisers for this annual championship sporting event are targeting working- and middle-class males in this valuable age bracket, and we believe there's no more surefire way to convince American men to watch a football game than to offer them the driving blue-collar rock of the Stones," said NFL vice president of programming Charles Coplin. "The Rolling Stones are an iconic musical presence that, for 40 years, has been bringing fathers and sons together on the weekends. That's precisely the kind of thing we want adult males to associate with our sporting event." ABC executives are cautiously optimistic that the Rolling Stones may even be able to reach viewers up to age 65, many of whom started following the band when they first established themselves in 1966.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close