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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL Increasingly Worried About Character Issues Of Fans

NEW YORK—Stressing that it reflects poorly on the league as a whole, NFL officials admitted Friday that they are increasingly concerned with the apparent character issues of most fans. “Frankly, the unruly and disrespectful behavior we’re currently seeing from many of our fans is deeply troubling,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, noting that the significant number of off-the-field incidents—ranging from DUI arrests to instances of domestic violence and alleged gang activity—represents a disturbing trend among current NFL fans. “We of course understand that many of these fans have had difficult upbringings, and we’re willing to provide support and mentoring to help them avoid engaging in any sort of troublesome activity. However, every fan across the league must be held accountable for what they say and do, even insofar as the way they dress and present themselves in public. They need to understand that when they make poor decisions, it casts a negative light on the entire NFL.” A league representative speaking to reporters on condition of anonymity, however, said fans are “allowed to get away with anything” and claimed that the league could never afford to cut ties with them.

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