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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NFL Increasingly Worried About Character Issues Of Fans

NEW YORK—Stressing that it reflects poorly on the league as a whole, NFL officials admitted Friday that they are increasingly concerned with the apparent character issues of most fans. “Frankly, the unruly and disrespectful behavior we’re currently seeing from many of our fans is deeply troubling,” said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, noting that the significant number of off-the-field incidents—ranging from DUI arrests to instances of domestic violence and alleged gang activity—represents a disturbing trend among current NFL fans. “We of course understand that many of these fans have had difficult upbringings, and we’re willing to provide support and mentoring to help them avoid engaging in any sort of troublesome activity. However, every fan across the league must be held accountable for what they say and do, even insofar as the way they dress and present themselves in public. They need to understand that when they make poor decisions, it casts a negative light on the entire NFL.” A league representative speaking to reporters on condition of anonymity, however, said fans are “allowed to get away with anything” and claimed that the league could never afford to cut ties with them.

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