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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed. “As of today, the National Football League will no longer have a claim to merchandising, marketing, or any other use of the ‘Super Bowl’ brand,” said industry expert Jason Galecki of the American Marketing Association, noting that in light of its decision to relinquish the name, the league has been forced to modify the stadium logos, game jerseys, and even commemorative T-shirts for the upcoming championship to reflect the new title, “Big Game 51.” “By letting its ownership of ‘Super Bowl’ expire, the NFL has also lost all associated terms, including ‘Lombardi Trophy,’ which will now be known as the ‘Tagliabue Cup.’ Should the league ever choose to mention the name ‘Super Bowl’ in the future, it may be subject to litigation for trademark infringement.” At press time, sources confirmed that the rights to the name “Super Bowl” had been quickly purchased by PepsiCo for $25 billion.

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