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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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'NFL On Fox' Host Blasted For Failing To Razz Terry Bradshaw

LOS ANGELES—Curt Menefee, host of Fox's successful pregame show Fox NFL Sunday, received a stern warning from studio executives Monday for his failure to razz analyst Terry Bradshaw on at least six separate occasions during Sunday's broadcast. "Our award-winning NFL coverage is founded upon three central tenets: covering every angle, breaking every story, and really giving it to Terry about his bald head or dopey accent," said Fox Sports CEO David Hill, who later confirmed that James Brown's refusal to make fun of Bradshaw's lack of intelligence played a role in the former host's release. "Curt needs to shape up a little and remember that he's a journalist with a job to do." When asked for comment on the matter, Menefee released a statement of apology and admitted that he "spaced out a bit Sunday…kind of like Michael Strahan's front teeth."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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