adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

NFL: Overtime Games To Be Decided By First Team To Do Something Really Fucking Awesome

NEW YORK—The NFL announced Monday that its owners have voted to change the league's regular-season overtime rules, which now stipulate that games will be decided by whichever team is the first to make a really fucking awesome play. "The NFL is defined by the plays that are quite freaking exceptional, and our overtime rules should reflect that," said Commissioner Roger Goodell, going on to praise the sick-as-hell plays that decided games this January under new postseason overtime rules. "If teams aren't willing to run a double reverse and complete a wild pass 50 yards down the field, or pitch the ball three times and break a bunch of tackles as part of a dazzling quarterback option, they're not going to win the game." According to the new rules, kicking a field goal is a "total wuss move" that will not result in a win "unless it ricochets off a guy's helmet before it goes in or something like that."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close