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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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NFL Players Asked To Come Up With Catchy Slogan For 2009 Super Bowl

NEW YORK—Commissioner Roger Goodell sent an emergency mass e-mail Tuesday to the entire NFL Players Association, requesting that everyone create a list of five to eight brainstorms for a captivating Super Bowl XLIII slogan by the end of the day.

"Hey all—Sorry to send this out at the so late [sic], but we really need a short catchy phrase that gets people excited about the Super Bowl," Goodell's message read in part. "Not only is this a great opportunity for you to have a say in the branding of the current Super Bowl, but the player who writes the winning slogan will receive $50. Please, don't just send in sarcastic ideas." According to the NFLPA, numerous athletes were unhappy about the mandatory assignment and filed official complaints that ranged from "this is not my job" to "linemen never get any help from Goodell when we need to plug a hole."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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