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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NFL Players Asked To Come Up With Catchy Slogan For 2009 Super Bowl

NEW YORK—Commissioner Roger Goodell sent an emergency mass e-mail Tuesday to the entire NFL Players Association, requesting that everyone create a list of five to eight brainstorms for a captivating Super Bowl XLIII slogan by the end of the day.

"Hey all—Sorry to send this out at the so late [sic], but we really need a short catchy phrase that gets people excited about the Super Bowl," Goodell's message read in part. "Not only is this a great opportunity for you to have a say in the branding of the current Super Bowl, but the player who writes the winning slogan will receive $50. Please, don't just send in sarcastic ideas." According to the NFLPA, numerous athletes were unhappy about the mandatory assignment and filed official complaints that ranged from "this is not my job" to "linemen never get any help from Goodell when we need to plug a hole."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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