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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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NFL Players Excited For Looming Work Stoppage: 'Playing Football And Getting Hurt All The Time Is The Worst'

NEW YORK—With their collective-bargaining agreement less than a day away from expiring, NFL players expressed Thursday how thrilled they are at the prospect of a season-long work stoppage, saying that suffering near-traumatic injuries week in and week out is pretty much the worst. "Sure, everybody loves the game and the money is great, but have you ever broken both the bones in your shin and been pressured by coaches and fans to play through it? It's really a horrible experience," said players' union head DeMaurice Smith, adding that 12 months without football will spare several hundred men the pain of enduring multiple concussions. "Every single player in the NFL spends several hours a week on a trainer's table or in a hospital. It sucks. To be perfectly honest with you, a lot of players have said privately that they kind of hope we never reach an agreement and football is eventually outlawed." When reached for comment, former Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett expressed his regret that a stoppage like this couldn't have happened four years ago.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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