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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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NFL Players, Owners Warn Lockout May Be Over In Time For Exhibition Games

NEW YORK—With a principle agreement in their grasp and only rookie minimums remaining as a substantial stumbling block, representatives for both NFL owners and players cautioned Thursday that 2011's unpopular and most likely boring exhibition season may in fact go forward as scheduled. "We are working hard with both the owners and the player's association to resolve this issue as soon as possible, unfortunately," a press release from the league office read in part. "That could mean football as soon as August 7, when a bunch of guys who have no hope to make the Rams are scheduled to play a sad bunch of dopes who are trying to make the, uh, we think it's Bears. Whatever, we're not watching that crap." At press time attorneys for both sides were working around the clock to find "something, anything, no matter how penny-ante" that would keep talks going until September 8 and the opening of the regular season.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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